grace begets grace

Posted on February 14, 2013 by somestuffaboutstuff

it’s easy to fall into a depressing slump of comparison on a day like today. the sometimes celebrated but often dreaded Valentine’s Day. woohoo. comparison is the thief of joy – i have heard. and as i sit here getting my caffeine fix for the next 2 hours, i am choosing to be reminded of all the good i have in my life; instead of choosing to painfully compare my circumstances with the lives of others. and per usual i have some thoughts.

here’s how i think the world can change into a glowing orb of love. ok…..well maybe not the whole world – that’s pretty ambitious. gosh! i’m a big dreamer – don’t shoot me down. i’ll back up. let’s just start with me, and YOU – since we’re both here; and here and now is all we have. right?

i’m not afraid to admit that i’ve seen Les Miserables (Victor Hugo) in the theater twice now. and yes….i cried like a big freaking baby. not just because i’m a sappy girl with a myriad of uncontrollable emotions (although that probably played into it a little), but because the story is a story of grace. upon grace. upon grace. upon grace.

if the world……or just you and i made a choice to extend grace every opportunity we were given to extend it, i think the colors of the universe would change. in Les Mis a convict was shown a measure of grace: given a warm meal and a place to sleep when no one else would even look him in the eyes. and in the night he steals this man’s silver (the Bishop Bienvenu) and flees into the darkness. he is caught, brought back to the Bishop and has the nerve to say that the Bishop gave him the silver. here is where the world changes (or would have changed if this story wasn’t just fiction): the Bishop looks at Jean ValJean (the convict) and says:

“Ah! here you are! I am glad to see you. Well, but how is this? I gave you the candlesticks too, which are of silver like the rest, and for which you can certainly get two hundred francs. Why did you not carry them away with your forks and spoons?”

Jean Valjean opened his eyes wide, and stared at the venerable Bishop with an expression which no human tongue can render any account of.

…..skip ahead….

“My friend,” resumed the Bishop, “before you go, here are your candlesticks. Take them.”

He stepped to the chimney-piece, took the two silver candlesticks, and brought them to Jean Valjean. The two women looked on without uttering a word, without a gesture, without a look which could disconcert the Bishop.

Jean Valjean was trembling in every limb. He took the two candlesticks mechanically, and with a bewildered air.

“Now,” said the Bishop, “go in peace. By the way, when you return, my friend, it is not necessary to pass through the garden. You can always enter and depart through the street door. It is never fastened with anything but a latch, either by day or by night.”

Jean Valjean was like a man on the point of fainting.

The Bishop drew near to him, and said in a low voice:–

“Do not forget, never forget, that you have promised to use this money in becoming an honest man.”

Jean Valjean, who had no recollection of ever having promised anything, remained speechless. The Bishop had emphasized the words when he uttered them. He resumed with solemnity:–

“Jean Valjean, my brother, you no longer belong to evil, but to good. It is your soul that I buy from you; I withdraw it from black thoughts and the spirit of perdition, and I give it to God.”

This epic act of grace and forgiveness the Bishop bestows upon Valjean changes not only his life forever, but the lives of so many other people in the story. For this one mighty act of grace convicts the convict himself to change his life, and dish out the same measure of grace every time it is presented to him. it is like a curse and a blessing all in one which he cannot escape his entire life. even to the very man who hunts him night and day to enslave him again – he extends grace and does not kill him when given the chance. he lets him go.

this is why i sobbed during the film. because i long to witness a grace of this aptitude on earth now….while i am alive. grace like a tree of dominoes in a room the size of Mt. Everest. that every time grace is given, it is reciprocated with more grace to another, then more grace to another; over and over and over. branching out and expanding to the furthest reaches of the world. i want to be able to extend grace like this. it sets my heart on fire.

that each of us – completely 100% undeserving – when shown a measure of grace that we have not earned what-so-ever would purpose to reciprocate the same measure (if not an even greater measure) the next time an opportunity is presented to us. i am certain the world would change. it would change me. it would change you. think about it.

so on this Valentine’s Day, where the word Love could be both a hope or a hell; i hear it being whispered softly, but with a fierce tone in the form of a different word: “grace”. for we all have been given a measure of grace we have not earned. and so we should extend grace all the more. and isn’t grace the most monumental example of love there is? i say yes.

i also think grace takes responsibility where we have wronged others. because we have to ask for grace and in asking for grace we are humbling ourselves. may we give grace and may we ask for grace. let us be big grace rivers, not reservoirs. let grace beget grace.

Happy Valentine’s Day, friends and lovers!

xo/jm

surprises and miracles

Posted on February 10, 2013 by somestuffaboutstuff

although i am not yet old, i realize at my age that there are dreams i once had that may never be fulfilled. the thought is daunting and sobering. don’t get me wrong….i’m not one of those women who’s embarrassed to tell her age and dreadfully fears each approaching birthday. i honestly feel like i have earned 32. like it’s a blessing. well….because it is. i’m not afraid of aging, but the other night the thought of a dream retired just slapped me in the face like unknowingly walking into a sliding glass door. -WHAP-

i haven’t invited you to a pity party – don’t worry – i’m just sorting through the reality of being 32 with 2 small children (i do this often and learn new things). people who do not have children are no less wise and no more cool than i am (regardless of what you may think). it’s just a different season in life with different responsibilities and demands that dictate one’s choices. last week i read this article: 10 Things Never to say to Other People, and it got me thinking about everyone’s unique walks of life and how easily you can sound pretentious or insensitive or straight up schmarmy. yeah, some people “planned” to make babies, do the sex and start a family. and some people didn’t explicitly “plan” the family thing but did the sex, and got awesome surprises of babies growing in their guts and were thus throttled into parenthood via circumstance. (raising my hand) thing is…..whether by choice or circumstance when one enters parenthood there are some major life changes that occur and with them comes much self-sacrifice. i personally think this initiation into parenthood doesn’t make someone more or less of a hero than say a single or childless person. but i do think it provides opportunities and life experiences that if you took the role seriously would change many things about the way you live your life. which leads me to the retirement of dreams unfulfilled.

because i choose to embrace my role as a mother (yes it is a choice – people abandon children every day), i have had to re-prioritize my dreams and aspirations to fit into my life as a mom. this isn’t a bad thing or a cop out. i look at it more as an exciting challenge. becoming a parent doesn’t mean your personal life is over. i think it’s actually the contrary.

i was processing the retirement of some of the dreams of my youth and came to a couple conclusions. it is not a stretch to say that at my age i will most likely not be the lead singer of a band and tour for months on end. when i was 19 i imagined this dream would’ve come true by the time i was 32. but we imagine lots of things when we’re 19: our wedding day. becoming famous. the day we give birth to our first child. being successful and respected for it…..etc…. i’m not saying i’ll never be in a band again or go on a tour again, but with 2 kids it just won’t look like the original dream i had at 19. follow? and for most of us, our wedding day & honeymoon didn’t match up to the dream we envisioned at some point……am i right?

when i had my 2 children the circumstances which followed their births were anything but normal. see here and here for the long stories. short story: with my son’s birth i was left paralyzed from the waist down for over 6 months, completely unable to walk, run, or bend down unassisted. and when my daughter was born she had 3 major heart defects and underwent open heart surgery at 4 days old and then again at 4 months old. needless to say the dream most women have when they become a mother was not a dream i lived. 4 years later i still suffer from serious PTSD and may forever grieve the loss of all i did not get to participate in with my newborn babies because i was either crippled myself, or my baby was hooked to 25 machines in a sterile hospital room. i never got those quintessential mother-newborn photos taken where we lay together on a bed and the light streams in unfiltered and the baby’s eyes are full of new life and new hope. that is a dream unfulfilled i will never get back again.

a few months ago in counseling i was advised to start grieving some of these lost dreams and lost expectations. like the first 6 months of both of my children’s lives: my initiation into motherhood. grieving is a cleansing process. when i start to cry unintentionally in front of people i try and explain that crying is a bit like sweating for me – i can’t really control it (although i’d really, really like to). my hope is that through grieving the loss of these dreams unfulfilled, i will come out on the other side and be stronger or wiser or something. it is what it is, i can’t get it back, time to move forward. i can count my blessings today, yadda yadda yadda…..but then i have all these other dreams in my heart which too may not come to fruition and so that’s what life is all about? this eternal cycle of trying to cope with the loss of more and more dreams unfulfilled? F that!

((pull back the curtain))

the only things that can keep us from completely burying our unfulfilled dreams are the exceptions in this world: surprises and miracles.

i want to be surprised. i want a miracle. i want to see the exception to the norm. the world is the world. it’s actually pretty predictable. shit happens, you try to deal with it, then you move on. but no! i want to be surprised. i want a miracle. i want to see something that looks like a tragedy turn into a blessing. a surprise.

we all love surprises. because it’s something we weren’t expecting. Jesus is the exception. He is the ultimate surprise; the miracle. only He can resurrect the loss of dreams unfulfilled, breathe life back into them and help us walk them out. sure they will look way different than what we thought they should or could look like. we all imagine everything to look different when we’re 19. but i think if we choose to see things differently – with an open mind – a trusting stance – a hopeful anticipation – it’ll appear different. not because we’re crazy or delusional, (and i can only speak for myself), but the Lord has never let me down yet. and at least i can count on that. so instead of thinking my dreams are dead. only i can choose to see them differently.

i already know his plans for me are to prosper me and grow me and not to harm me, and to gimmie wings of eagles and all that (Jeremiah 29:11 & Isaiah 40:31). so i can assume that no matter what life throws in my lap, the Lord is gonna help me use it for prospering, growing, not harming me and to help me soar. it’s my choice to view every curve ball with this perspective. my choice.

100% of dealing with what life throws at us is dictated by how we respond to it; how we receive it. no one else is responsible for our interpretation of circumstances except us. every single day of your life there will be dozens of curveballs thrown at you; things that are out of your control that do not line up with your plans to achieve your dreams in your way. how do you view them? are they all road blocks? obstacles? hindrances? inconveniences? problems? or are they surprises? wrapped gifts that over time will blossom like a flower and brighten and fragrance our lives more than we could have ever imagined……IF….only IF we receive them; perceive them as such!

are your dreams dead because you had kids? are your dreams dead because your marriage didn’t turn out the way you thought it would or should? are your dreams dead because you’re not yet married? you can’t have kids? you aren’t the executive so-and-so at corporate so-and-so? are your dreams dead because you’re not famous yet? are your dreams dead because your parents are disappointed in you? are your dreams dead because at this point in your life absolutely nothing has gone according to your plan? good news then friend! you’re halfway there! i’m in the middle of this process too, so be patient with me. but here’s what’s helping.

grieve – grieve the loss of what you thought you were gonna have. let it die. if life didn’t go according to your plans, then you’re normal and not alone. but in order to not grow cold or bitter or jaded – grieve. cry. really cry. tell the Lord you’re sad. blame the world for being effed up. yell. scream. cuss. dance it out. whatever you need to do.
let it go – for me, i have PTSD and sob like i’m mentally ill every time i hold a baby under the age of 6 months. i may have this problem forever. but after grieving the loss of my baby’s first 6 months of life, i have let go. i found i was angry at God and saw myself turning into a bitter, bitchy woman who scowled every time i read about perfect birth stories. i am letting it go. still. might take me a lifetime….but you gotta start somewhere.
dream again – allow your heart to dream again. rediscover what makes you come alive and what you’re truly passionate about and don’t be afraid to dream again. life isn’t over, people. loss is loss, yes…..but so much new life can be born every single day. maybe start small.
look for surprises and miracles – i am drawn to people who are the exception. people who aren’t afraid to risk it all for love. people who deeply apologize and show humility. people who aren’t the norm. people who give and serve and bless others – just to do it. people who take responsibility for things and do something about it. these people surprise me. each feat they conquer in a manner unlike the world’s pattern is a miracle to me. these people are magnets. we’re drawn to them because they make choices to see the world differently and love people in spite of how cruel and awful people can be. let these surprises and miracles be an inspiration to you. i can guarantee 100% that these people haven’t had life handed to them with a perfectly tied ribbon on top. they are the ones who screwed up and were shown grace and now choose to show grace to everyone they encounter because they’re fully aware of how life changing it can be. they’re the ones with limitations they’ve chosen to overcome. they’re the ones who have had shattered dreams and broken hearts but gotten back up and deliberated to press on; not begrudgingly, but with a smile and a shout! i’ll bet they’re the ones who now ask for inconveniences because they know the real reward which comes when you embrace that inconvenience and the inconvenience becomes the blessing!

yeah…..i’m 32 and i have 2 kids. but i have all my wits, my freedoms, all my appendages and organs in working shape, all my hair, two eyes, a nose, a mouth and an open calendar for the year 2013. come what may my dreams are not dead. they might need to be re-tweaked a bit and have two car seat’s strapped into them now, but that’s no inconvenience – it’s just an added blessing. in searching for those exceptions: the surprises and miracles, i will aim to be one myself.

the only things that can keep us from completely burying our unfulfilled dreams are the exceptions in this world: surprises and miracles. look for them.

xo/jm

rebellion

Posted on January 10, 2013 by somestuffaboutstuff

hi everyone. thanks for coming. this post is all over the place – apologies ahead of time. also…..it is long. i have so many thoughts and only a fraction of them made the final cut. maybe i’ll combine it all for a chapter in my book. anyway….

last week i got sucked into this weird show on animal planet called Gator Boys. the episode i was watching showed one of the Gator Boys getting into a murky pond in a suburban southern Florida backyard to capture a rogue alligator – in the middle of the night. wearing only his swimming trunks and a necklace made of gator claws, Paul the Gator Boy slipped into the black, sinister pond carrying a long pole with a small rope noose at the end. he swam around for a long time then finally came upon the gator whose sneaky eyes were eerily blinking on the water’s surface. Paul ever-so-slowly slipped the rope over the gator’s snout and then all the way down to it’s neck. i sat in shock and amazement that the alligator didn’t move an inch this whole time; there wasn’t even a ripple in the water……until the noose was pulled tight around it’s neck. then total and complete anarchy. the 10 foot gator started thrashing, rolling, spinning, flailing. it went completely nuts! tail! claws! jaw! gross reptilian belly! tail! teeth! mud! i couldn’t believe the guy was able to keep hold of the other end of the pole. it was crazy! then, like most times when i hear the Lord….it hit me completely out of the blue…..

“that’s what you look like sometimes, jessie….the second you feel the noose tighten around your little neck, you go buck wild.”

so before i went buck wild with this outrageous accusation, i focused. i carefully replayed the images in my mind over the next few days. i asked a lot of questions, and after admitting to myself that yes, indeed i am at times similar to that alligator, i came upon some these thought processes:

the gator was being removed from the suburban neighborhood pond so he wouldn’t eat something he shouldn’t (a child, cat or dog). Paul (the Gator Boy) knew the small runoff pond wouldn’t have enough food for the gator and over time could dry up leaving him stranded. Paul went in, seized the gator and then transported him to a private wildlife refuge in the Everglades where there are miles and miles of swamp filled with an unending supply of food.

i am that gator. the Lord, (like Paul the Gator Boy) ever-so-gently puts a rope around my neck and then has to cinch it tight because he knows i’m gonna put up a fight. it’s all for my own good, but i don’t know any better. His plan: to remove me from the brackish pond – an environment where i most likely will eat something i shouldn’t or end up stranded – and take me to a wide open space where i can be fed and thrive. but i almost always fight. no one likes to be forced to do or not do something. we all want to have a choice. for me…..i have given myself to the Lord and negligently trust Him. i do trust him, it’s just hard.

1. rebellion is in all of us

whether you’re a christian and you agree with the fallen sinful nature bestowed upon all humanity by Adam and Eve, or you’ve just been around long enough to witness and participate in the fact that people are really screwed up and we all hurt each other – i think we’d all agree that everyone has a rebellious nature. i’m learning that what almost always fuels an act of rebellion is fear:

a fear of something being withheld or taken from you; not getting/losing something you think you deserve/need/have to have/deeply desire

-or-

a fear of being stuck with something you don’t necessarily like/want/or need, and having no choice in the matter; feeling trapped. caged.

basically, i think rebellion comes from a place in us all where we adamantly want to be independent. to make our own choices and decisions. take what we think we need or want and reject what we don’t want or need. but then we betray ourselves because we’re sappy, social, hungry humans – we deeply want someone to share these decisions with us. to understand why we made these decisions, and to love us. which is actually quite contrary to the whole singularly independent thing i just mentioned above. which is where it gets sticky.

2. rebellion is relative

rebellion is not absolute. i alluded to this at the beginning. for example, in my circle of friends it’s not rebellious at all to have tattoos or drink a beer. but when i am around my coworkers (teachers), i keep my ink covered and don’t mention my beliefs regarding ink or alcohol, because there’s no telling what they might surmise if they were aware of such things – and i want to keep my job. when it comes to rebellion, it really depends on who is interpreting. and people’s interpretations differ based on their personal beliefs and upbringings.

but wait…..what about the Bible, jessie? it’s absolute, right? – you ask. good question. the Bible is chock-full of do’s and do not’s that people live their lives by. it’s the spoken word of God, yes. but….most of these do’s and do not’s have been interpreted by someone at sometime and then taught to us. i’m not looking to pick a fight with anyone about the Bible or it’s absolute truths, rules and restrictions. i just want to be a little rebellious and challenge anyone who’s willing to question the interpretation you’ve been given. especially if the interpretation you’ve been given doesn’t light the path to love.

many interpretations of do’s and do not’s in the Bible (or anywhere for that matter) lead people into judgement, criticism, rejection, hatred - not love. and maybe i’m a Jesus hippie, or a rebel or whatever you want to call me, but i am convinced that living for the Lord should always look like, smell like and sound like love winning. if do’s and do not’s ultimately don’t lead me further into the depths of love, humility, grace and forgiveness – for myself, and for others – then i personally think those do’s and do not’s should be challenged and re-interpretted. the beauty of it all is that i have a real relationship with a living God. i do not need a priest or pastor to interpret every tiny little do and do not for me. my God moves and speaks and breathes daily with me; in and out of me. that’s why it’s called a ‘relationship’. so when i feel confused about a do or do not, i can usually assume that He’s going to deposit within me my own personal convictions about things. why? because He loves me, and He says that He will do this for us.

maybe this is really bonking your theology and you’re debating whether or not you should continue reading (i know….i’m long-winded….i knoooooow). but here’s something i’ve witnessed all too often. so so so many people in my age bracket have similar stories regarding the church/christianity. they were controlled, manipulated, rejected, criticized, judged, or scorned by a “christian” or by someone’s interpretation of a do or a do not and thus decided out of fear (see the two rebellion fears above) that church/christianity was NOT for them and so they split. now they do whatever they want with a rebellious chip on their shoulder and the thought tucked away in their hearts that church/christianity is just a long list of do’s and do not’s with an absurd amount of self-righteous ass holes who enforce them.

i started writing all of this yesterday, then i read this article this morning and got fired up to finish my piece. i completely 100% agree with what Mark Galli has stated and am beyond inspired to see such thoughts being published on a large scale. you should read the whole thing, but here’s a nugget….

…This is surprising because the New Testament message is about freedom from law, and being grounded in grace. “For freedom Christ has set us free,” proclaimed Paul in his most profound exposition of grace. The fact that even some Christians fail to grasp the radical nature of God’s unconditional love suggests just how deeply we humans are embedded in a world ruled by law, expectations, duty, control and obedience. We naturally imagine that Christianity is just a nicer form of this basic reality. The message of grace is so radical that it is simply hard to hear it for what it is.

no wonder why so much of my generation doesn’t want to be associated with church or christians because the truth is most christians do not live or perceive life through the lens of grace – which is what made christians who they are in the first place – forgiven! loved! saved! reborn! new! redeemed! in Galli’s article he also describes people (specifically parents) who choose religion because they need rules & guidelines to live by. but how easily those guidelines can turn into power and control then be abused (especially to children raised in such authoritative religious families). a child being taught that God doesn’t or will not love them if they don’t abide by His (their) rules is the exact opposite of the message Jesus came to deliver. so here’s my schtick….

3. rebellion is necessary in order for real change to take place

i am that alligator. as soon as i feel a noose tighten around my neck i start to roll. the fears that trigger my rebellion are many. to scratch the surface a little, i fear no one will ever truly understand me, love me or want to take care of me. i also fear being labeled inappropriately, being misunderstood, being rejected, not being valued, being trapped, and always having to fight for myself. look, i’m not afraid to fly a tiny prop airplane 2,500 feet over hard, dry land or shoot a shotgun, but i am terrified of being a caged bird. i’m aware that these fears are irrational and i am working towards stripping them of their grasp around my neck. i’m also realizing (again and again) that ALL of these things happened to Jesus (except he probably didn’t worry if God loved him or understood him, because he was/is God). BUT, Jesus was misunderstood, mislabeled, rejected, trapped, not appreciated and abandoned by ALL his dude friends and God, to the point of death! and even after he was raised from the dead they still were unsure of him. so….as much as i would like to fully grasp the whole joining Christ in his sufferings thing….it may take me a lifetime to get it. or be ok with it.

what i’m trying to say is this…..i want to be different. i always have. throughout history the ones who stood out to me have always been those who bucked the system: Joan of Arc, Gandhi, Mother Theresa, Martin Luther, Harriet Tubman, Jesus, Heidi Baker, Bob Goff, Rosa Parks, Martin Luther King Jr. i want to be different because i so deeply desire to see hope and redemption in the eyes of all who hunger and thirst for love and grace and acceptance. if that makes me rebellious, then i’ll take it. i’d rather love than be right. after someone spends time with me, my deepest desire is that they walk away knowing they are loved and valuable. the only people i have come across who do this well are those who live on the edge. the crazy ones. the unselfish ones. the ones who aren’t governed by their fears, by religion, by rules or restrictions or their pride. those who are driven by love. the ones who fight to see love trump all. to see love win.

it’s easy to get stuck in the brackish waters of our fears and to be governed by them. i know! but you see…..i also know i’m not the only one cramping up in the deep end with the irrational fears that try to drown me. i know you feel this way too. i know you feel trapped. you feel misunderstood. maybe you feel like you’re not really worth anyone’s time or that you’re too much trouble. here’s my new goal – to attempt a counter attack on these fears. to do my darndest to speak the opposite of them (my fears) into every hungry person i encounter. and guess what……everybody’s hungry.

so…..two things. first, the noose around my neck. i said above that it was the Lord. the Lord is not people. He’s not a christian. He’s not a church. He is loving and good and trustworthy. so when He snatches me from the murky ponds i get mixed up in, i need to learn to submit and trust Him. He will never let me down or abuse me or abandon me. I need to learn the difference between God’s guidance and the ways of the world. the Lord knows I’m going to flip out and thrash and gator roll because that’s the way He made me. He wants me to thrash the things in the world that need questioning; changing. my DNA has rebellion in it. He made me this way. it’s why i want to be different. because He wants me to be different. He wants to use me to make a change. to buck the system.

second, now that i’m being transitioned to a new location (hypothetically) it’s time to thrive – not just survive. God doesn’t want to trap you into rules, a Bible Study, theology or a church building. He wants to set you free into miles and miles of gorgeous open space; a refuge with an unending supply of everything He knows you will need. this looks different for every person. if church or christianity isn’t leading you to this, then YES question what it is you’re being taught! if church or christians aren’t lighthouses of love, then bless them in your heart, be on your way, and ask the Lord to show you a church/a christian who is! this is what it’s all about! don’t get stuck in your murky pond with your independent mindset and fears. choose forgiveness. choose love. and when the Lord comes to pull you out and take you somewhere better – it’s ok if you put up a fight. He already knows you will. He made you that way.

see you in the Everglades, friends.

xo/jm

day 1

Posted on January 1, 2013 by somestuffaboutstuff

day one of a new year. a clean slate. technically all i’ve done so far today is sleep in, nurse a champagne headache, drink a couple cups of counter culture coffee and stare at my computer with a thought. but that number 1 on my iCal stares a hole through me every time i look at my phone.

i have a little obsession with office supplies and am particularly keen on new, crispy, yellow notepads. i am trying to imagine today, this new year as one of those yellow notepads – ready for writing, ready for new ideas, ready to take me somewhere. but for some reason it seems too cliche. that’s not what new beginnings look like. i’ve been around long enough. this isn’t my first rodeo. sure it sounds romantic and everyone echos it, with glasses raised at the brink of a new year, or a passing birthday, but the truth for me is that new beginnings honestly look terribly messy.

i have given birth to two babies, and if you don’t know nothin’ ’bout childbirth, then all you need to know is that it might be the grossest, most beautiful thing to ever happen to us. as macabre as it sounds, that’s the view i am envisioning for this day; this new year.

day 1: bloody, beautiful birth.

i’m not trying to be gothic, i just know that new beginnings aren’t as simple and crisp as my canary yellow notebook (which is sitting right next to me). i kinda believe that everyday should be a day 1, not just new year’s. that we get up, scratch our whatevers, rub our eyes, then look in the mirror and say “g’morning day 1. today is my new beginning.” i think that’s what that book the bible meant when it said that everyday we get a new dose of mercy. so as you stare at your puffy eyes and pick at your random adult acne, take a sec to glance down and notice the shot glass of grace sitting on your bathroom counter. oh….?

day 1: new mercy.

my boss stepped out of a meeting the other day, but left his phone on the table. while he was gone an alarm went off and his phone danced and sang on the table. i didn’t want to be a snoop, but ever so accidentally leaned forward to make sure it wasn’t an emergency or anything, and was totally inspired by what i saw: ”have you been productive today, ______?” i giggled and grinned from ear to ear. a proud grin, a good idea grin. i made a mental note to give myself the same reminder.

day 1: have you been productive today, jessie? (interchangeable with any of these words: kind, loving, friendly, forgiving, positive, gracious, patient, passionate, ______, _______,)

so back to the mirror. recap: freshly birthed from bed, sticky with sweat, looking more like a teenage train wreck than a fresh, crispy, yellow notepad. crusty, dark circle eyes, stinky areas, baby diaper breath, wedgie. oh my…..who let a rabid raccoon nest in my hair last night? nevermind…..there’s a shot glass of 70 proof grace sparkling on counter. the Lord’s grace – the absinthe we need to make each day, day 1.

day 1: take it. it’s free. no strings attached.

if we’re all honest, you’d agree with me that new beginnings are super gross, actually. not so fresh and so clean, clean. but it’s ok. if God (and our parents) can love us on the day we’re born (bloody, screaming, sticky, utterly and completely dependent for every need we have). then He can love us today, day 1, and then tomorrow day 1 again, and the next day, day 1 again. and by “love” i mean place that shot of absinthe mercy on your bathroom counter each morning. what i’m trying to say is that just because it’s the first day of a new year doesn’t mean it’s our only opportunity to be productive. to make a change or resolve something or be a better you. every day is an opportunity to be a better you. if you’re feelin like i’m feelin this morning (see above description in the mirror) then you ain’t feelin so fresh and “clean slate-y”, eh? well i think that is totally, completely, 100% normal.

today, day 1, i’ll pick up the 70 proof shot of mercy sitting on my bathroom counter, and vow to make the change: today. be productive: today. be kinder: today. choose love: today. help a stranger: today. serve: today. forgive: today. plan a trip across the map (or across the street) to invest in someone/something that may never bring me return: today. wear a smile: today. not get offended: today. dance in my underwear with my kids: today. be the change i desire to see: today. why? well duh……everyone does crazy stuff after they take shots. duh. and because today is all we have, friends.

bottom’s up.

xo/jm

palms up

Posted on December 29, 2012 by somestuffaboutstuff

sitting in a store front window like an old cat, i close my eyes and let the sun invade my pores, my hair, my seemingly bottomless wells of wonder and of pain. the sun, my doctor or pharmacist – whichever he or she may be – always brings me healing. Dr. Sun, my therapist applying a warm compress to all the oozing pustules of doubt, fear and control that bubble up on my surface. it feels good: exposure. squinting. even sweating a little. sister winter usually kidnaps my soul somewhere between November and March and i bumble around freezing. walking into walls and tripping over my own shoelaces because she’s tied a black, burlap bag around my head, my heart, my hands. but right now, i sit in this store front window and faintly hear the beeping of a work vehicle in reverse as Dr. Sun directs a dump truck of light directly onto the construction site of my heart.

dear 2012,

i get it. life is really fucking hard. i get it. i’m glad you’re almost over.

-jessie

i have seen far too many deaths this year. death is a cold and irreversible reality that you’re forced choke down whether you’re able to swallow it or not. and then there’s the actual digestion of these grim realities; which could take the rest of your life. like when we were told as kids that a single piece of bubblegum requires 7 years to complete digestion if you accidentally swallow it. i feel as though the deaths that have occurred in 2012 are going to take years to really digest. because they were all extremely and overwhelmingly devastating. but i suppose all deaths are like that…..?

my counselor and i agreed last week that i am probably more prone to share a bed with anxiety than i am with sadness (maybe i’ll write on this another day). but the death count this year; each and every loss has got me subconsciously slow dancing with and holding hands with sadness. we are completely incompatible and he hogs the covers on cold nights so i kick him out anytime he tries to stay. but as soon as i feel that sticky death bubblegum trying to pass through my small intestine again i start asking questions and getting sad about life and about loving people who are all one day going to die too.

i finished reading two books this holiday break. Love Does by Bob Goff and Help, Thanks, Wow by Anne Lamott. these two books, along with the new Les Miserables film have been a proverbial, fizzy alka seltzer to my death bubblegum digestion. i’ve been a Lamott fan for years and giggle-cry as i read her words wishing i could have her over for tea and be best friends with her. in her most recent book regarding prayer she flipped on a light for me about life…..or was it death? i can’t sufficiently describe exactly what she said that made me feel better, but i devoured her book then let out a big spiritual burp.

she helped me process (or re-process…..i go through this sort of thinking every few weeks) that all of life is hard – duh – but i need to accept it. it might get better for a minute (as my daughter says when she asks to watch tv …….”tv for a minute mom?”). but then there will also be minutes of really shitty things. there will be shit. no matter who you are, where you live, what color your skin is or how much of the Bible you have memorized. life will indefinitely hit you in the face with a frying pan, but i’m starting to see that it’s not really intentional or necessarily personal. usually when people get hurt we get offended, and then sometimes we get defensive, because a knee-jerk reaction in us is to assume that the pain we’re feeling was directed at us; to us on purpose – intentionally! be it by God, or fate, or my parents, or my partner or frickin’ karma, whoever did it must have done it just and only to ME on purpose! but guys…..i think i’m starting to see that it’s just pain and it comes in the same package of life – which i’ve already torn open and am partaking in every day.

am i sick of sadness? of grief? of heart ache and pain and anxiety? of course i am! you have no idea. (no really you don’t). but with Anne’s help (and God) lightening struck my brain and released me from the pious assumption that all the shit that’s hit my fan lately is because i was a target, or that i’ve been unprotected; unloved. or that God isn’t who He says He is and what i have believed about Him can’t be true in light of all the suffering, all the sadness, all the death, all the vomit that’s been stirred up in me and around me. but i don’t think it’s any of these things. stay with me…

there are many amazing things to be read and learned from Goff’s book, but something i have begun practicing is what he calls ‘palms up’. you see, Goff is a lawyer and this is something he urges his clients to practice when they are being deposed in a lawsuit.

….I’m very serious about this. In fact, I threaten to kick them in the shins if I look down and they don’t have their palms up. When their palms are up, they have an easier time being calm, honest and accurate. And this is important, because it’s harder for them to get defensive. When people get angry or defensive they tend to make mistakes. But nobody can be defensive with their palms up…..

…[Jesus] taught me to be palms up because there was nothing I could really lose if I had Him…. Palms up means you are strong enough to be vulnerable, even with your enemies. Even when you have been tremendously wronged. Jesus was palms up to the end.

this must be one of those ‘beat a dead dog’ topics the Lord wants to pound into me because Lamott discusses the exact same thing. two books finished in one week. noted. palms up to the end. palms up accepting the yuck with the beauty. palms up being vulnerable and not defensive. palms up surrender. palms up prayer. palms up letting go. palms up ready for whatever gets placed into my hands – a baby with a broken heart or a brand new friend with a strong voice of encouragement.

it might always be this hard whether it’s what i ordered or not. there’s death and heartbreak and sickness. abuse, perverted minds and crooked, broken people splattered across this canvas we call earth. but there’s also breath-taking beauty, color, music, wonder and whimsy splattered in equal or greater portions. there is beauty in everything – just not everyone sees it.

well great…..here she comes.

because i have multiple personalities, and the damn, silver-lining optimist in me is breathing down my neck right now (or is that just sweat from sitting in this window too long?) – i am going to make a brief list of some of the wondrous beauty that has occurred in flashy blips on the screen of 2012.

wins

my miracle daughter, Sparrow not needing her 3rd heart surgery until August 2013 (originally thought to be performed around now).
medically diagnosed ‘infertile’ friends making, growing & birthing gorgeous human babies: April, Kara, Jennifer (on the way)
new life coming after devastating miscarriages: Jess & Jennifer
other friend’s beautiful babies born this year that i would take as my own: Kristina, Lorean, Stephanie, Kate, Julia and more…
being given two precious new friends this year that i cannot imagine my life without: Melinda & Kim.
flying an airplane (working towards my private pilot’s license)
starting to write a book
teaching drama to kids again

so look……you’re not a target. you’re not alone. you’re not a fuck up. you’re not a lost cause. you’re not cursed. you’re not faulty manufacturing. you don’t deserve the bad things that have happened to you; against you. actually, you don’t deserve the good things either. you and me – we’re the same. it’s not some cosmic message that so much bad stuff has happened this year. it’s life, guys. i think there are tides of treasures and tides of terrors that will perpetually wash onto our shores for the rest of our lives. i’m trying to not let a few toxic red tides cause me to clench my fists and furrow my brow for the rest of my life. i’m trying to not stay behind barred windows and locked doors. i have to live palms up. i have to have the sun. some tides will knock us down and drag us out to sea for a squall. but God is still God and i will not drown. i will be back on the shore when the treasures arrive. i’ll be there – palms up.

(in memory of these precious, beloved souls that were taken too quickly this year: my grandmother Elizabeth Hamler Ward, John Kerr, KC Curry, Jon Dailey, Patrick Atkinson, Lenore Coffey, Chris Underwood and many more. rest in the arms of our loving Father, dear ones – you are missed).

xo/jm

please read this – from the wife of a brilliant man (Chris Underwood) who passed 2 weeks ago. mother of two with one on the way, Amy is a woman worth admiring; a true hero.

love does

Posted on October 19, 2012 by somestuffaboutstuff

it goes without saying that i love my son more than anything i think i may have ever loved in my life. i would do anything for him. i mean anything. i long to understand him. to see his little eyes light up with joy, excitement, happiness, love, security, and peace. it’s a goal in my life to bring him happiness however humanly possible. no matter what happens in his life or mine, i desire for him to never question my love or the Lord’s love for him. i pray this over his sweet little head every night.

i’ve been reading an incredible book that my friend sent me in the mail. it’s called Love Does by Bob Goff and i am eating it up. i seriously want Bob to be my friend in real life. he looks at loving others in such a crazy way that it almost seems like a fairy tale to me. hence the title of the book – love does. one chapter i read recently he describes something super special he does with each of his kids when they turn 10. he takes them on a 10 year old adventure. when his daughter turned 10 he asked her what she wanted to do. she said she wanted to go to a fancy tea party. so did Bob invite 6 of her little girlie friends over and have them dress up in Goodwill clothes and serve them oreo’s on paper plates and apple juice in a toy tea set? no. Bob took his daughter to England for a week and they went to an official, real, authentic, fancy tea party. for real! i won’t give away the adventures he took his other 2 kids on (you’ll just have to read the book), but this got my brain churning like a wave pool. man, i wanna be that parent. i don’t want to put walls, ceilings or floors on what’s possible to see my kid’s dreams come true. anything is possible. thank you Bob.

this week my son lost his most beloved and prized possession – Horsey. Horsey was purchased in Israel when i was only 6 weeks pregnant with Noah. he was a gift to the baby in my belly from my dear friend Jason, who had nicknamed the baby Cherokee. Noah didn’t latch onto Horsey until he was about a year and a half, but since they bonded they have been inseparable. Horsey had undergone 2 major surgeries (by my able hands), been re-shoed, and looked as if he was very, very well loved; which he was.

from what i gathered, Noah, Horsey, Sparrow and Mark ran some errands the other night and somewhere between these places Horsey was lost. Noah went to bed that night without him. i wasn’t aware Horsey was missing until the next morning. Noah was so sad that morning and it grieved my heart that his beloved friend was lost. i set in my mind to add “hunt for Horsey” on my to-do list that day.

here’s how it went:

i searched the parking lot at Mark’s office for 20 minutes, digging in bushes, looking under cars.
i literally dove into a dumpster and rummaged through trash for 15 minutes looking for my son’s precious friend. (it was my first time – pretty fun actually).
i may or may not have entered into a secure room without a key to search every tiny nook and cranny for our beloved Horsey. (don’t call the cops on me).
spoke with a manager at a grocery store, explaining the importance of this brown stuffed horse that means so much to my son. then i searched the store myself.
walked up and down every aisle of the parking lot, in between every car. stooping down and looking under the cars.
walked into an adjacent store in the same parking lot and spoke with the manager there who got on walkie talkies and took my mission to a whole new level. he had the entire store on alert for Horsey, it was like the FBI. i got really excited watching everyone in the store talk into their blue tooth devices and make my son’s happiness a priority. (tears)
next, we got ahold of the janitorial department for the entire parking deck and they were on the look out for Horsey.
they suggested we walkie talkie the security department – so naturally we did.
people gave me their business cards and i gave them mine and with all seriousness they assured me they would let me know if Horsey turned up. (tears)

i drove home with no Horsey, but strangely, i did have a sense of peace and a little thrill from the adventure of getting a bunch of strangers to help me find an old stuffed horse – all because i love my son sooooooo freaking much and want to see his heart happy. one day when he asks me what happened to Horsey, i want to be able to tell him honestly, that i did ANY and EVERY thing possible to find him.

driving home, i heard the Lord….

Jessie…..i am doing the same for you, darling. for as much as you desire to see your son happy and you’ll go any distance to bring him joy – so am i for you. the love you have for Noah is only a fraction of the love i feel for you. i have and will go any distance and use strangers on an adventure just to communicate my love to you.

dang. mind – blown. cry. me. a. freaking. river.

so, here’s to my best boy Noah Fox. he is a giant Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade in my heart. i love him more than anything you think you may have ever loved.

over the past 6 months Noah has been crawling in bed with me every morning around 7:00. and every morning as he snuggles with me he asks me to take a picture of us together. how could i say no?

love does, friends. love does.

xo/jm & nf

everyone’s beautiful

Posted on September 25, 2012 by somestuffaboutstuff

i know i tend to write a good deal on loving people, caring for people, serving people, etc….and i’ve decided it’s not because i’m trying to preach at anyone, i’m really just fascinated by people who aren’t afraid to love big….err….the notion of loving recklessly. and being a verbal processor; things make more sense when i write them down as opposed to just letting them swim around in my brain and make little poops. so i suppose this was the preface to my little story here.

i was inadvertently watching that show the X Factor last week (which i had never seen before) and was talking out loud to myself and my cat Poppy (who had a bad case of cat farts). you know just judging the performers, judging the judges, judging, judging, judging – i mean isn’t that why America has so many of these shows? because Americans get off on sitting on our couches judging people? well, who knows…..but anyways something weird happened inside my rib cage.

a girl from a poor neighborhood in Texas was being showcased before her performance. it showed a little bit of her life and she shared her story and where she comes from. her mom and a slew of other relatives and friends were with her and swarmed around her all nervous & excited. it felt like the producers were gonna put a spin on her story, like she was the underdog, from a rough neighborhood, having lived a rough life. those producers’ schemes are so obvious to me. anyway, she got up to sing and really did a great job. the judges loved her, the crowd loved her. it was nice. but as i watched her, i suddenly felt this giant wave of love and concern come over me for HER! it totally weirded me out because i didn’t even know this person, but it hit me like a tidal wave – and yes…..i started crying. (maybe the cat farts played a part too). my only thought was “wow…..this girl is so freaking loved. i can feel it.” out of no where my inadvertent couch judging had morphed into love. for a total stranger.

commercial break: i shook it off, blamed female hormones (i think we can get away with blaming everything on them) and i got a bowl of ice cream. i thought to myself – i’m just sensitive and emotional right now at this season in my life. i should never tell anyone that i cried watching the X Factor, or actually that i am even watching the X Factor. so, the next person was being showcased before her performance and it was a precious, silly woman in her 40′s who kept making jokes about wanting Simon to be her baby-daddy. (i know…..ridiculous). the producers seemed to be spinning it to make this woman look like a fool, and you could just feel it in your gut that she was gonna get on stage and flirt with Simon and then she wouldn’t even be able to carry a tune. i mean you could feel it coming. so she walks out onto stage, round and giggly and reared to get her game on with Simon. she says some silly remarks and then one of the judges asks her her name. she says her name is Panda. no…..i’m serious. the judges laugh and whisper amongst each other, not believing that this is her real name. the crowd is laughing. she goes on to say -on national television- that her mother had her when she was in prison. she was born in a prison. and her mother didn’t know what to do with the baby, nor was she interested in naming it. she said her mother is black and her mother’s cell mate was white, so they decided it’d be funny to name the baby Panda. my heart stopped beating. the wave of love for this sweet woman hit me so hard i couldn’t even pretend i wasn’t sobbing.

this woman, who was born unwanted in a jail cell and given a silly name was SO LOVED. i could feel it enormously inside my rib cage. and i cried for her. for her struggles, her name, her story, her heart. and then when she sang, it was like Mama Cass or Ella, or like oh my gosh…..like Billie Holiday. it was so deep, from her guts, and so powerful and strong. this woman was a fighter. she was a warrior. she was the most beautiful person i have seen in a long time. and she was loved. i could feel it.

and for the last week my brain has shifted on it’s axis a little. my God, everyone is beautiful. every single one of us. in our stories. our shit. our successes. our troubles. we are all beautiful. we’re scared and frail and lost…….and beautiful. we have been unwanted and unnamed at times. and we’re beautiful. we’ve been rejected and laughed at. but we are all beautiful. we’re coy, shy, awkward and beautiful. we’re brash, proud, flashy and beautiful. every single one of us. sometimes it takes little awakenings to remember this simple fact, and to remember we’re all in this together. we all want to be loved. to be named. to be valuable. to be someone’s someone.

maybe it’s just me and i have an odd bend towards seeing the good in people……or maybe i make a choice to try to. either way, i am looking differently at people this week. there’s just no telling who was born in a prison, or who grew up taking care of their own parents. love. love. love. (telling myself in the mirror)

be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle

- Plato

xo/jm

take care

Posted on August 29, 2012 by somestuffaboutstuff

And all people live, Not by reason of any care they have for themselves, But by the love for them that is in other people. -Leo Tolstoy

i am seriously convinced that we were put on this planet to take care of each other. from our first breath to our final one, humans are meant to take care and be taken care of. everyone. no one, not a single soul is exempt of this need. it’s how we were made. and when there is lack or deficit or neglect, something inside us dies.

two of my greatest heroes have taught this and lived out more of this than anyone else i’ve ever heard of. listen up.

Mother Theresa:

Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat.

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.

Even the rich are hungry for love, for being cared for, for being wanted, for having someone to call their own.

The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread.

One of the greatest diseases is to be nobody to anybody.

Heidi Baker:

Stop for the one.

Love the one in front of you.

…I found myself lying face down on a grass mat with the mother of a little girl who had died. I lay down with this woman and wept with her, holding her in my arms. It was then that God said to me “It’s about love. It’s not always about victory.” Our whole life cannot be about victory and glory – but it must be about love. Love is patient and kind and long-suffering. -excerpt from ‘The Hungry Always Get Fed’

it’s what we all know, and it scares the hell out of me to say it; but somewhere care has been lost. it’s almost obsolete, or at least so crazy rare like chivalry (which should be very alive and kicking if you ask me – but hey…..what do i know?) that when we do see it performed well it’s kind of shocking. unbelievable, almost. and we blink and rub our eyes like “wow….that was amazing.” ask any elderly person at a retirement center – they’ll tell you they’re not being cared for well. if kids could express themselves thoroughly, many would probably communicate where their care is lacking. i’d love to see a brain scan of my own kids – what they’re thinking, what they need, what they don’t need, how they see me, how they feel. i’d love to know when they sense they’re loved the strongest. and when they need love the most.

verbal care-

i have mentioned this before, and if you know me at all you probably know i am a verbal person. i’m totally willing to be wrong, but i kinda believe that actually everyone is. stay with me.

i take care of my two children. they’ve been entrusted to me, and i want to do the best job i can. not just to keep them alive (food, drink, shelter, etc…), but to assist them to thrive fully in light and love everyday of their lives. this, i have noticed takes an astronomical amount of verbal encouragement. Noah jumps off a step and says “Look Mom!” and I respond with “Woah!!! That was incredible! You’re so strong!” Sparrow eats all her mac-n-cheese and brings her empty bowl to me with sparkly eyes – why? cause she knows I am going to praise her chubby little face off. this is their fuel. my approval, my love, my respect, my praise, my encouragement. all. day. long. my children will (hopefully) grow up being nurtured and grounded in love because of the verbal care i try my best to administer everyday.

here’s my point. i know i’m a verbal person. it does worlds of good to my soul when i receive encouragement. or even when someone sits and sacrifices their time just to talk/listen to me. ((heart swell)) and whether you may know it or not, i honestly believe we ALL need this.

i’m a teacher. ask any teacher (especially primary and secondary) what is the strongest motivator for their students (besides treats) and i guarantee they’ll agree with me and say verbal affirmation, positive reinforcement, or better known as encouragement. think about the great teacher that you remember most growing up. the one who made an impression on you (a good impression). for me, there were a few. one was Mrs. Wagster – the choir and theater teacher at my middle school. because of her encouragement and investment into me, i actually overcame a very serious medical anxiety problem i had in middle school. because of Mrs. Wagster, i turned out to be someone who not only conquered the anxiety disorder, but i actually love being on stage. another was Mr. Hair, my 11th grade Algebra teacher. i am awful – just completely gross, awful at math and would have surely failed his class if he didn’t take time to tutor me after school. did i understand the algebra? not even a tiny bit, but his encouragement and investment in me kept me trying. he graciously gave me a C-, which was pretty much a miracle – but i’ll never forget his encouragement, sacrifice and verbal affirmation. ever.

it’s in our words that we can express a multitude of things. for my young children, i know that my words are their fuel. ”words create worlds” – Wittgenstein. positive words are the sunshine and water that will grow hearts into towering trees of life and beauty. but why do we suddenly stop giving verbal affirmation once someone is a “grown-up”? is it because the world is a cruel place and 99% of the people you meet in the real world aren’t going to blow sunshine up your ass? so you should stop needing it sooner than later, right? i disagree. i see that loving and caring for people well comes in the form of words and actions. if more people spoke life and light into those they came in contact with, or even just smiled – for God’s sake! the world would be a completely different place. no?

i know, i know……you’re thinking “well, sure jessie – that sounds so sweet and gross like a stupid fairy tale, but we’ve all been seriously burned by people’s words: our parents, our siblings, our coworkers, our teachers, our friends, our significant others – it’s impossible to erase hurtful things that have been spoken over us and just treat everybody with infinite care and kindness and speak with the sweetness of a cotton candy daydream to everyone we meet.” yeah, i know. i’m just saying….what if we did?

what if we did?

what if even a few dumb people chose to value and prioritize an individual’s heart rather than cling to their religious principles and paradigms? what if some crazy person made it a priority as a human being to just love the one human being in front of them – the best that they can? what if a few silly heads decided that differences and discrepancies in race, religion, gender, sexual orientation and financial status’ were secondary in comparison to a person fully knowing that someone cares about them; fully knowing they are loved – exactly where they are. no matter what they do or don’t do tomorrow or forever?

oh man……what the F would happen if we actually took care of each other? that movie Liar Liar comes to mind where Jim Carrey can’t tell a lie, and i imagine, what if we couldn’t not care. like it wasn’t a choice? that we walk by someone in rags or someone in a Gucci suit (same difference) who is starving for care and love and our only response is to provide it?! holy smokes! how different life would be.

i know a lot of people who call themselves “christians” make proclamations to live this way. but for a lot of these people the goal is more than just to give care and share love, they have other agendas – to get that person to become a member of their church, or to come to their Bible Study, or to get saved and be another notch on their belts, etc…. (i may get harassed for this but i am compelled to say it anyways….so there). i want to challenge this, guys. why does there have to be another agenda? why can’t we love just to love? (my heart is yelling this – if you can imagine me yelling this right now). we should take care of each other because it’s right and good and because we’ve been entrusted to each other to do just this! if someone was kind to me and then i found out later they were only doing it so i would join their home group, i’d feel scammed. think about it! think about it!

no hidden agenda. love to love. let God be God and do whatever He wants through the love and care we hand out. i mean…..c’mon guys second commandment “Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these.” (The first of course being love the Lord). but does anyone else see this!?!!! There is NO greater commandment than these! getting souls saved is not greater. having a bigger congregation at your church is not a greater commandment. converting a muslim is not greater. judging the methed-out, metal-head kid in your neighborhood is not either. people, standing up for godly marriage is not a greater commandment than LOVING YOUR NEIGHBOR!

BOOM.

yes i did.

love God. love people. number 1 and number 2. it’s not actually that tough. but somehow we have totally muddled it and gotten things completely out of whack.

i love Heidi’s excerpt above where she hears God tell her that it’s about love – it’s not always about victory. this might be one of the hardest concepts to grasp as a human. we want the victory. when we make an investment into something; someone, we want to see the fruit and light and life at the other end; the finished product; the redemption. but here’s something SO freaking contrary to that. it’s about love. we are simply asked to love well. and any control of the outcome: be it victory or tragedy is completely out of our hands.

this is clearly a pinched nerve in my soul and besides attempting with great faults to live this myself, my only other hope of seeing it in real life is to write it down and hope that someone, somewhere reads this and feels the gripping conviction i feel. (or if you want me to come speak at your home group…..) heh heh heh

we need to take care of each other. if no one ever took good care of you, or taught you how to care for others well, then go discover it. read books. volunteer to care for people in need. is it hard? duh. if it wasn’t tough or close impossible to do this, then everyone would be doing it. sheesh. of course it’s going to be hard! mercy.

see:

I tend the wounded, and in the tending, wound.

Sometimes truly seeing another is lethal.

Loving fully, a bayonet.”

-Em Claire

i like watching movies about the end of the world and zombie apocalypses and disease epidemics and wars and stories of survival. there’s almost always a very fine line in these films where what’s left of humanity either binds together to protect and care for one another, or they turn on each other and leave each other for dead. in congruence with liking these kinds of movies about survival, i like to play a stupid game in my head where i pretend to be in one of these movies, and think if it were real life, who would i want on my team? (i know – silly). but, i don’t choose celebrities, i think of real people in my life that would be good to have on team, to either protect me, stand up for me, take care of me, or just be a solid, trustworthy person to have at my back in a life or death situation. i say all this to ask…..who would you pick? and would anyone pick you?

we really need to take care of each other, guys. for no other purpose than survival.

Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness and understanding you can muster, and do it with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again. -Og Mandino

When people care for you and cry for you, they can straighten out your soul. -Langston Hughes

Love seeks one thing only: the good of the one loved. It leaves all the other secondary effects to take care of themselves. Love, therefore, is its own reward. -Thomas Merton

We won’t always know whose lives we touched and made better for our having cared, because actions sometimes have unforeseen ramifications. What’s important is that you do care and you act. -Charlotte Lunsford

take care/jm

love advice for women: Part 2

Posted on July 9, 2012 by somestuffaboutstuff

alright ladies…..here’s part II.

4. Be choosy but know your vision

A woman who knows her beauty and worth can and should be choosy with who she gives her heart to. she waits and asks a lot of questions and can be picky about who deserves her. of course men don’t want women to play games, so this is where it’s important for women to know your vision. know what you really want in life and what you would like in a team mate. don’t settle for someone who doesn’t want kids – just because he’s willing to “commit” – when ultimately having kids is your life goal. don’t compromise for that “perfect guy” who does recreational drugs on the weekends, just because he loves your curves. don’t be ashamed of what you want to accomplish in life. if your dream for as long as you can remember is to be a blushing bride and have 5 kids, don’t compromise for a loser who could care less if you even have a real wedding. hold out for the ideal husband/father. or if your dream is to travel the planet, help and serve people in need and run a non-profit that sends health supplies to Djbouti, then make sure you don’t settle for a gamer home-body. be choosy about a partner that can join with you and be a great team mate. someone with similar convictions and priorities. someone who respects and honors your dreams, as much or more than you do his. i cannot emphasize enough how important this is.

Interdependence – mutually relying on each other. this is based on trust and trust is based on experiences and time. try and make a point to be a giver not a taker. find a healthy balance with your man without being naggy or bitchy. interdependence is based on a beautiful balance of giving and taking. when one is weak, the other is strong. they probably wouldn’t admit it, but men really do love to be taken care of and nurtured. which makes perfect sense because nurturing is a second-nature gift most women have. we really love taking care of just about anything: babies, our friends, men, kittens, baby squirrels, washed up starfish, whatever. my dear girlfriends, just be careful not to be too clingy or overly needy – i hear this is a BIG bummer. no one wants a leech. men love and require their space and freedom. as soon as a man feels like his woman has become a tick, he’s ready to run like the wind. it’s not a man’s job to supply all your needs. it’ll never fully satisfy you – ever.

and while we’re speaking on balance, i read this while surfing the webs “men admire a woman who can successfully balance work, kids, their relationships, being a good lover and keeping up with their home.” -shew- sounds like a frickin’ super woman to me (i bet she has perfect breast too). i don’t really know any woman that can do this successfully. but i guess we can try, right? yeah?

5. the chase

as mentioned in part 1, men want to feel attractive. yes. ultimately they want to be the object of their woman’s desire. it also shouldn’t be news to us that men are competitive, right? and we know already that they really, really like sex. so naturally they want to know not only that they scored the hottest babe (beauty is in the eye of the beholder) but also that that babe is completely smitten with him as well. win win.

a man friend told another man friend who told me that men are hunters. that for the rest of their lives they are programmed to pursue; to hunt. he also said that for him personally, he has to deliberately choose every day to focus that pursuit on his wife. high five to that guy, right? i could be wrong, but i think this deliberate choosing and focusing can be especially difficult for men not just because of the hunting instinct, but it probably doesn’t help that men are visually err……inspired….? so yeah. i’ve heard too (but am willing to be wrong) that men want what they can’t have. it seems fitting to the whole hunter mentality, right? and for many men as soon as the chase is over and the girl submits and is willing to give her heart to him, the guy realizes he doesn’t really want what he was chasing after all. he just liked the thrill of the pursuit. cool. i’m sure i could get a chorus of “amens” from a bunch of ladies that have experienced this heart ache. i mean…..talk about a game. no, literally……we are game.

now, i don’t exactly know how to navigate between being uncatchable and having a committed relationship once the man does indeed catch his girl and he gets settled or married. then life happens and how on earth is a woman supposed to keep her hunter from pursuing another hotter fox?! i seriously have no effing clue. but i read these tips on the internet, so they must be true.

access the best aspects of your femininity – men love the sweetness and softness of a woman: lipstick, dresses, high heels, an apron, jewelry, perfume, style
men are looking for a fun and exciting companion
the most attractive woman in a room isn’t necessarily the most beautiful, she’s usually the woman who’s having a good time, is naturally relaxed, comfortable and has a good sense of humor
SMILE – i read this on many, many advice columns for women. men are drawn to a nice smile.
a woman who can be both strong and/or submissive in appropriate moments
be a woman who knows how to gently challenge your man (not in public)
men love women who are full of the unexpected (“good” unexpected of course)
be a woman of certain mystery and unattainability (keep the hunter on his toes)

6. secks

a wise man i know says ultimately most men need two very primary needs met to feel secure: respect and sex. (this implication is for a man in a monogamous marriage, of course).

it is to be assumed that men always want more sex than what they’re currently having – at any given point in their adult lives. so…..

be sexy. men are visual, there’s nothing you can do about it. simply stated: stay fresh. work out. take care of yourself. you’ll feel better about about you and so will everyone else. statistics show that most men prefer a woman with some curves. this is probably surprising, but hey if it’s on the internet it must be true! don’t compare your body to anyone in a magazine, or on TV. make peace with your god-given frame and then polish it.

remember that weakness is not attractive and that definitely goes for insecurities in your body, beauty and sexuality, ladies. try and spice things up even if it feels awkward. just own it. what’s that saying…..fake it till you make it? yeah….something like that.

so to close this up, i think our role as women is to join in the adventure, play just as crucial a role as men in the journey, but also to be his biggest fan. to learn him. to understand and support and ultimately honor and respect him.

i think we also need to receive our greatest form of confidence and self-assurance from the Lord. is this tough to accept? duh. i don’t know how to do it well, but i think we just have to stay tuned to His heart as much as we can. i see this mystery like one of those invisible marker books (i used to get these on road trips when i was a kid). you know the ones you’d buy at the gas station with the white pen with an orange top? and you’d go through the book scribbling the invisible marker over plain white pages and then a secret message would appear? those books were my favorite. i think this is how the Lord often broadcasts His heart to us in super personal ways. we have to search for it, but when it’s revealed it blows our mind and sticks with us a lot longer than any man’s words.

truth: no man is ever going to consistently supply the words that will quench our heart’s longing for confirmation that we are beautiful and interesting. sure….some men might be brilliant with words and for a moment we’re completely entranced by what a man says about our beauty or character…..but then, when he goes silent or disappears we question any and everything and distrust that he even meant any of it at all. it sucks. and we build mental walls and believe no one will ever come for us or love us as we are. that no one really wants the inconvenience, no one wants to really take care of our heart’s. dial 1-800-Jesus, and ask Him to pour you a drink of that special water from that special well that will never run dry. if i remember correctly, He did offer it to a woman; a woman who seemed to have some trouble with men. you guys remember her? i think only He can quench. not dudes. seek it out. see what happens. i’ll see you there.

i’m gonna throw out there some Hollywood references since i did in the post to men. i have noted that SO many movies have this common theme: bored, depressed, monochromatic man has a happenstance meeting with a confident, colorful, bold, quirky, or odd girl – he falls in love with her and she brightens his life with belief, color and light. scene.

Garden State

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Stranger Than Fiction

this is my “i have no idea what i’m talking about” face. feel free to argue or add to any of my points. i always want to be teachable and would love to know what your thoughts are.

love,

jessie

love advice for women: Part 1

Posted on July 6, 2012 by somestuffaboutstuff

based on some male feedback from this post to men, i was thus asked to write something aimed at women. i accept this challenge and will do my best to at least speak what is on and in my heart. i’ll preface this with this: by no means do I actually live this out (especially not currently), but none-the-less this is what i am damned to believe whether i’ve seen it or not.

if you’re a man and you’re curious about what advice i’d give you, check out this and this

i am not a man so remember that my perspective is coming from female speculation, assumption and a tiny bit of insight via a few spotty conversations with introspective men. (whom will remain unnamed – you know who you are). and i may have scoured the internets googling “what men need from women”. so….

dear women, here’s a list of things that i think men need or at least would like for us to do and be when in relationship with them. single, married or undecided; women surely have got some work to do.

on your mark. get set. go.

1. AAA (appreciation, acknowledgement, and admiration)

almost every woman i know is super good at talking. i bet God gave us this….ahem…. “gift” so we can verbally uplift, appreciate and admire the men in our life. it’s true, we are really good at squawking like a gaggle of geese when a bunch of girls get together, but i think we should probably use this gift to appreciate and uplift the menfolks from time to time as well. if we like it when a man opens the car door for us or when he does something noteworthy of appreciation, we need to let those special words tumble out of our mouths “thank you! that was seriously SO sweet!”.

for those in serious relationships and marriage, it’s probably important to speak acknowledgement and show appreciation for everything he does (whether he does it super well or not). his work, his hobbies, his appearance, how he is in bed, etc… support his character, his decisions and his skills with verbal affirmation. never underestimate the power of overly-complimenting a man in order to boost his confidence. if you’re having some difficulty, maybe make a list of some of the noteworthy areas that you do appreciate, admire and want to acknowledge in your man. i like lists. but oh….make sure you’re being honest. please. flattery isn’t always truth. and a man can sniff out a liar.

men need to feel a lot of the same things women need to feel. no, maybe they don’t vocalize or display these needs the way women do, but they want to feel attractive. they want to feel smart. they want to feel important. they want to feel strong. they want to hear words that confirm all these things. ”mercy, you’re sexy. seriously?…..you are SO smart! you’re the shit. OMG did you lift that all by yourself?” apparently a lot of men like a vocal woman under the sheets. not surprising.

i’ve heard that a lot of men spend their lives feeling like and believing they are complete failures. irregardless of their comfortable career, their pretty wife, their healthy children and other accomplishments in life, failure is what stares them in the face when they look in the mirror. counteract that with the triple A trifecta. BOOM! you’re not a failure, sir.

2. Respect

i read that men would rather feel unloved than inadequate or disrespected. DANG! i also read that a man’s anger thermometer can usually be attributed to his respect thermometer. low respect = high anger problem. anyone that has gone through any type of relationship guidance or counseling has heard the resounding “men need respect :: women need love” lecture. i’m assuming because so many people agree on this matter, that it probably holds truth.

sometimes as women we may find great difficulty in showing respect to the men in our life, usually if we don’t feel like we are being loved well. i have no idea how to resolve this dilemma, but sometimes respect doesn’t have to look like what you might think it should look like. showing respect can be more of what you don’t do rather than what you do do. (heh heh) for instance:

don’t constantly criticize
don’t belittle or berate (especially in public)
don’t cut him down or nag
don’t cut other men down either
don’t be controlling – it’s undermining

instead, i think men need their woman to be a safe place. where they have freedom to be sappy and needy at times. it helps if their woman is as non-judgemental as can be; this is called grace i think. i know this can be tough. no…..i know. i heard it said ladies, that if you can’t find absolutely anything you respect about your man then you probably shouldn’t be with him. (or if you’re married then you need to get both your asses to counseling ASAP). respect is a pretty big deal to men.

“Just show respect and guys will start wondering what it is

about you that is so great.” – Donald Miller

-men are so drawn to receiving respect that they will start pursuing a woman based on how she respects him! HOLLAH!-

3. Weakness is not attractive

“…Weakness isn’t attractive in either sex. Some girls think being weak will attract a strong man, but it won’t. Being weak will attract a predator, which is why girls who show self-pity often get hurt in the end. Bad guys smell it out and take advantage of them. The girl thinks he’s strong because he’s bad, because he’s confident and mysterious, but really he’s insecure and is only using her to make himself feel like a man……..

Now I am going to say this directly and perhaps offensively, but I want to say it straight: If a girl wants a great guy, she has to stop feeling sorry for herself. She has to do something different to attract somebody different. If you are strong and choosy, if you have a vision for your life, he will sense in you somebody to partner with so the two of you can help others (or raise a family.) That’s what a good guy is looking for. I’m not saying you can’t cry on his shoulder every once in a while-guys love being strong for a woman-I’m just saying if you have the characteristics of a wounded animal, you are going to attract somebody who eats wounded animals.” via Donald Miller

this was too good not to quote. so….yeah. a woman who believes she is beautiful and cultivates beauty is magically magnetic. cultivating beauty can be anything from encouraging others in their dreams to cooking delicious meals to raising healthy, happy children. it’s been said that one way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. several relationship advice columns informed me that a woman who can cook was second only to her being good in bed! acts of service are also beautiful. create beauty through art, song, dance, written word. be a creator. you don’t have to be Julia Child to cook and serve a great meal. and you don’t have to be as talented as Adele to make some pretty music. be a woman who believes in her beauty and seeks to make the world more beautiful through what you do have to offer. and then don’t apologize for it. don’t apologize for yourself. it’s really not that complicated. weakness is not attractive. thank you Donald Miller.

yes, it’s a tough topic to tackle, but self-confidence (or lack-thereof) can make or break what you radiate. knowing who you are and what you’re passionate about is epically attractive. part of getting there is being able to dismantle the onslaught of hand grenades to the aorta. it can take years but trust me ladies….you’re stronger than you realize. you’re far more capable and more beautiful and more worthy than any man has ever been able to communicate to you. i know……it’s a big pill – just swallow it. don’t put this in the bull shit box and whine about your butt fat and crow’s feet. the sooner you can receive compliments and believe in yourself and your dreams the more attractive and self-confident you will become. i heard Clinton Kelly say that style is 50% clothes and 50% confidence. i love that.

a rebirth of your confidence and beauty might have to come through forgiveness. maybe it’s forgiving a male offender who threw one of those hand grenades. if it wasn’t a boyfriend, maybe it was a negligent or abusive Father, a gropy dirty uncle, or a complete stranger with a tasty beverage full of roofie. either way, somewhere along the road your beauty got assaulted and we have to choose to forgive men. period. there’s no other way of healing. forgiveness is the only option. or…..well….try and see how far you get with gaping holes in your heart. blood everywhere. the predators will eat you alive and then you’ll just have one more reason to hate and disrespect men.

i have a friend who was sexually molested by an older man when she was very young. her healing came in waves but one thing she had to do (and occasionally still does) is stare at her face in the mirror, say that man’s name out loud and proclaim that he does not own her or any part of her beauty/sexuality. let’s not let the past predict the future.

it’s in this healing that we can let our hair down and have that sparkle in our eyes that makes men wobble.

Stay tuned for Part II. what’s to come: being picky, the hunter and the hunted, secks and more!

there’s that sparkle in my eye. see it…..?

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love advice for women: Part 2

love advice for women: Part 1

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