Category Archives: unexpected

wasted

Posted on by
1

time is a tick.  latched on; sucking away at our blood, our childhood, our youth, our kids, our parents, our plans, our dreams, our souls.  relentless and unforgiving; pressing forward always ticking, always sucking, never stopping.

recently i took a trip to new york to visit a beloved friend on her birthday.  i had a thought as we waited for the train.  ”i wonder how much of our lives we spend waiting” – i thought to myself.  we rode the train to meet another friend who was standing out in the cold waiting for a table to open at a darling little french restaurant.  as the three of us stood huddled in the cold, waiting for our table, waiting to eat delicious french food and enjoy an authentic french press i said my thought aloud. “i wonder how much of our lives are spent waiting”.  we stood and thought together and sheltered one another from the cold.  while we were forced to wait for food and coffee we giggled and breathed closely on one another; inhaling and exhaling a frigid, beautiful moment of camaraderie.

‘hurry up and wait’ is something i have often heard and been tickled by.  it’s pretty quintessential America though, to hurry up and wait.  right?  or maybe it’s all humans, not just Americans.  we rush out the door only to be met by an hour of stop and go traffic.  hurry up and wait.  as a kid i wanted to grow up and have my independence so bad.  hurry up and get through 8th grade so i can go to high school.  hurry up and get my driver’s license.  hurry up and graduate.  but there’s always still something more we end up waiting for.  seems like in America we want what we want when we want it and if we’re forced to wait any longer than our patience allows, then we’re pissy and unappreciative by the time we get whatever it was we waited to get.  right?  or whatever we get turns out not to be what we thought it was going to be, so we’re disappointed & disillusioned and end up setting our sights on the next thing we have to wait for; with hope and anticipation that IT will be what we’ve been waiting for.  but wait…..

are we waiting our lives away?

OR, are we perhaps meant to find beauty, contentment, enjoyment and even purpose in the waiting?  Eureka!

“take your time” and “take time” are also typical catch phrases, usually in terms of doing something the right way or without messing up.  “take time” also implies taking it slow and not rushing something – which is a bit contrary to “hurry up and wait”, but they kind of go hand in hand for me.  we can’t literally TAKE time.  can we?  no, but we can choose to accept the circumstances within the time we have.  take what you have while you have it – no matter what it is, then choose to see something noteworthy in that time.  even if it’s a tiny bloom, on a tiny branch, in a tiny bit of soil, in an old boot.

we literally wait for everything.  don’t you constantly hear or say “I can’t wait for…….summer, dinner, Christmas, graduation, Friday, a new job, a boyfriend/girlfriend, a spouse, a new job, this baby to be born, a new house, vacation…” and then, once we’ve received what we waited for, are we even full, or thankful or appreciative?  ask yourself: was it worth the wait?  what did i do while i was waiting?  the American dream alludes to having more & bigger and being fuller.  but often once we get whatever it is we think we need/want/deserve/have earned it doesn’t always fulfill.  it doesn’t usually match by measure the amount of time we waited or the amount of suffering we endured whilest waiting.

here’s what i think:  i think (for as cliche as it sounds) that we are not meant to waste the waiting.

waste –
  • to use, consume, spend, or expend thoughtlessly or carelessly.
  • to fail to take advantage of or use for profit; lose.
  • to pass without being put to use.
  • garbage; trash.
  • regarded or discarded as worthless or useless.

as the time tick ravenously sucks our lives away, many of us see waiting as a waste of time.  but i think time can only be wasted if you allow it; if you surrender your time to be wasted.  if it’s your time – as i mentioned before – where we accept the circumstances within the time we’ve been given, then no one can waste your time except YOU.  don’t be afraid of something being a waste of your time, you’re the only one who can control how that time is consumed.  only you can take advantage of the circumstances within the time you have to see it differently, and use it for profit, or to lose it.

sure, it’s easy to blame the slow, one-eyed, elderly dinosaur-woman processing your tags at the DMV for wasting your time.  or you could just accept that there are circumstances within the time you’ve been given.  right here.  right now.  and YOU have the power to regard it as fruitful or discard it as waste.  it’s up to you.  it’s always been up to you….because it’s your time.
for many of us, one of our greatest fears is that we are wasting our time.  whether it’s wasting our time investing in something that we don’t think is going to ultimately take us where we want to be.  or we’re wasting our time doing something we’d rather not be doing.  or we’re wasting our time NOT doing something we should be doing.  usually in those DMV situations, or the “i’ve been dateless for 3 whole years”, or sitting in traffic, or waiting for the promotion – we think of all the other, more important things we could be doing with our time – but instead it’s being “wasted” standing here or waiting in line or sitting in traffic.  but what if we saw it differently?
don’t waste the waiting.
this past week i was rolling over in my mind this idea of wasting time or something being a waste of time and came to the conclusion for myself, that if i take each and every second of every day captive – as my own – that no one can waste anything that’s mine, except me.  and even when i invest in something that doesn’t seem like it’s producing fruit (or the size of fruit i was hoping for) it doesn’t mean all that time was wasted; that there’s no fruit to be accounted for.  because there is.  there’s always something that can be done in the waiting; there’s always a profit if i choose to view life that way.  and no matter what i’m doing with my life, it’s not going to be wasted.  unless i consume it thoughtlessly or carelessly.  unless i allow my own time to pass without being put to use.  unless i call my waiting time garbage or trash.  unless i regard the waiting as worthless or useless.
so yeah, if you’re like me you wanna know the answer…..well, wait no more – i looked it up.
we spend an average of 62 minutes every day – waiting.
filling up the gas tank, sitting in traffic, waiting for our coffee to brew, waiting for wine to age, waiting for vacation, waiting for those TPS reports, waiting for babies to be born, waiting for flowers to grow, waiting for him to call, waiting for this blog to be over, waiting for our luggage, waiting for water to boil, waiting for the test results, sitting in the car pool line at school, waiting for wounds to heal, waiting for a website to load, waiting for a sign, waiting for “the one”, waiting, waiting, waiting.  if we live till we’re 70, that makes a total of 3 whole years of your life that you spent, just waiting.
what if tucked between the aches and discomfort of the wait is a real reward?  something greater than the initial goal in mind?  perhaps the richest of rewards; the biggest, juiciest fruits are grown only in waiting well: patience and humility, friendship and maturity.
no, we can’t take time.  we can’t stop the time tick – suckling away at our jugular, injecting us with the age virus – giving us crow’s feet and arthritis and dinosaur brains.  it’s inevitable.  but we can use what we have, while we have it.  even if it’s 62 minutes a day of waiting.  do we see that 62 minutes as a complete waste of time or an opportunity?  often what we view as an inconvenience is really an invitation.
don’t waste the waiting.
xo/jm
waiting
this is me waiting to pick up my kids.  i’m waiting for wounds to heal.  i’m waiting for change.  i’m waiting for something to break and something to mend.  but while i wait, i’m enjoying the sun and spring and friendships and the new local natives record.

palms up

Posted on by
2

sitting in a store front window like an old cat, i close my eyes and let the sun invade my pores, my hair, my seemingly bottomless wells of wonder and of pain.  the sun, my doctor or pharmacist – whichever he or she may be – always brings me healing.  Dr. Sun, my therapist applying a warm compress to all the oozing pustules of doubt, fear and control that bubble up on my surface.  it feels good:  exposure.  squinting.  even sweating a little.  sister winter usually kidnaps my soul somewhere between November and March and i bumble around freezing.  walking into walls and tripping over my own shoelaces because she’s tied a black, burlap bag around my head, my heart, my hands.  but right now, i sit in this store front window and faintly hear the beeping of a work vehicle in reverse as Dr. Sun directs a dump truck of light directly onto the construction site of my heart.

dear 2012,

i get it.  life is really fucking hard.  i get it.  i’m glad you’re almost over.

-jessie

i have seen far too many deaths this year.  death is a cold and irreversible reality that you’re forced choke down whether you’re able to swallow it or not.  and then there’s the actual digestion of these grim realities; which could take the rest of your life.  like when we were told as kids that a single piece of bubblegum requires 7 years to complete digestion  if you accidentally swallow it.  i feel as though the deaths that have occurred in 2012 are going to take years to really digest.  because they were all extremely and overwhelmingly devastating.  but i suppose all deaths are like that…..?

my counselor and i agreed last week that i am probably more prone to share a bed with anxiety than i am with sadness (maybe i’ll write on this another day).  but the death count this year; each and every loss has got me subconsciously slow dancing with and holding hands with sadness.  we are completely incompatible and he hogs the covers on cold nights so i kick him out anytime he tries to stay.  but as soon as i feel that sticky death bubblegum trying to pass through my small intestine again i start asking questions and getting sad about life and about loving people who are all one day going to die too.

i finished reading two books this holiday break.  Love Does by Bob Goff and Help, Thanks, Wow by Anne Lamott.  these two books, along with the new Les Miserables film have  been a proverbial, fizzy alka seltzer to my death bubblegum digestion.  i’ve been a Lamott fan for years and giggle-cry as i read her words wishing i could have her over for tea and be best friends with her.  in her most recent book regarding prayer she flipped on a light for me about life…..or was it death?  i can’t sufficiently describe exactly what she said that made me feel better, but i devoured her book then let out a big spiritual burp.

she helped me process (or re-process…..i go through this sort of thinking every few weeks) that all of life is hard – duh – but i need to accept it.  it might get better for a minute (as my daughter says when she asks to watch tv …….”tv for a minute mom?”).  but then there will also be minutes of really shitty things.  there will be shit.  no matter who you are, where you live, what color your skin is or how much of the Bible you have memorized.  life will indefinitely hit you in the face with a frying pan, but i’m starting to see that it’s not really intentional or necessarily personal.  usually when people get hurt we get offended, and then sometimes we get defensive, because a knee-jerk reaction in us is to assume that the pain we’re feeling was directed at us; to us on purpose – intentionally!  be it by God, or fate, or my parents, or my partner or frickin’ karma, whoever did it must have done it just  and only to ME on purpose!  but guys…..i think i’m starting to see that it’s just pain and it comes in the same package of life – which i’ve already torn open and am partaking in every day.

am i sick of sadness?  of grief?  of heart ache and pain and anxiety?  of course i am!  you have no idea.  (no really you don’t).  but with Anne’s help (and God) lightening struck my brain and released me from the pious assumption that all the shit that’s hit my fan lately is because i was a target, or that i’ve been unprotected; unloved.  or that God isn’t who He says He is and what i have believed about Him can’t be true in light of all the suffering, all the sadness, all the death, all the vomit that’s been stirred up in me and around me.  but i don’t think it’s any of these things.  stay with me…

there are many amazing things to be read and learned from Goff’s book, but something i have begun practicing is what he calls ‘palms up’.  you see, Goff is a lawyer and this is something he urges his clients to practice when they are being deposed in a lawsuit.

….I’m very serious about this.  In fact, I threaten to kick them in the shins if I look down and they don’t have their palms up.  When their palms are up, they have an easier time being calm, honest and accurate.  And this is important, because it’s harder for them to get defensive.  When people get angry or defensive they tend to make mistakes.  But nobody can be defensive with their palms up…..

…[Jesus] taught me to be palms up because there was nothing I could really lose if I had Him….  Palms up means you are strong enough to be vulnerable, even with your enemies.  Even when you have been tremendously wronged.  Jesus was palms up to the end.

this must be one of those ‘beat a dead dog’ topics the Lord wants to pound into me because Lamott discusses the exact same thing.  two books finished in one week.  noted.  palms up to the end.  palms up accepting the yuck with the beauty.  palms up being vulnerable and not defensive.  palms up surrender.  palms up prayer.  palms up letting go.  palms up ready for whatever gets placed into my hands – a baby with a broken heart or a brand new friend with a strong voice of encouragement.

it might always be this hard whether it’s what i ordered or not.  there’s death and heartbreak and sickness.  abuse, perverted minds and crooked, broken people splattered across this canvas we call earth.  but there’s also breath-taking beauty, color, music, wonder and whimsy splattered in equal or greater portions.  there is beauty in everything – just not everyone sees it.

well great…..here she comes.

because i have multiple personalities, and the damn, silver-lining optimist in me is breathing down my neck right now (or is that just sweat from sitting in this window too long?) – i am going to make a brief list of some of the wondrous beauty that has occurred in flashy blips on the screen of 2012.

wins

  • my miracle daughter, Sparrow not needing her 3rd heart surgery until August 2013 (originally thought to be performed around now).
  • medically diagnosed ‘infertile’ friends making, growing & birthing gorgeous human babies: April, Kara, Jennifer (on the way)
  • new life coming after devastating miscarriages: Jess & Jennifer
  • other friend’s beautiful babies born this year that i would take as my own: Kristina, Lorean, Stephanie, Kate, Julia and more…
  • being given two precious new friends this year that i cannot imagine my life without: Melinda & Kim.
  • flying an airplane (working towards my private pilot’s license)
  • starting to write a book
  • teaching drama to kids again

so look……you’re not a target.  you’re not alone.  you’re not a fuck up.  you’re not a lost cause.  you’re not cursed.  you’re not faulty manufacturing.  you don’t deserve the bad things that have happened to you; against you.  actually, you don’t deserve the good things either.  you and me – we’re the same.  it’s not some cosmic message that so much bad stuff has happened this year.  it’s life, guys.  i think there are tides of treasures and tides of terrors that will perpetually wash onto our shores for the rest of our lives.  i’m trying to not let a few toxic red tides cause me to clench my fists and furrow my brow for the rest of my life.  i’m trying to not stay behind barred windows and locked doors.  i have to live palms up.  i have to have the sun.  some tides will knock us down and drag us out to sea for a squall.  but God is still God and i will not drown.  i will be back on the shore when the treasures arrive.  i’ll be there – palms up.

(in memory of these precious, beloved souls that were taken too quickly this year: my grandmother Elizabeth Hamler Ward, John Kerr, KC Curry, Jon Dailey, Patrick Atkinson, Lenore Coffey, Chris Underwood and many more.  rest in the arms of our loving Father, dear ones – you are missed).

xo/jm

sun catplease read this – from the wife of a brilliant man (Chris Underwood) who passed 2 weeks ago.  mother of two with one on the way, Amy is a woman worth admiring; a true hero.

everyone’s beautiful

Posted on by
3

i know i tend to write a good deal on loving people, caring for people, serving people, etc….and i’ve decided it’s not because i’m trying to preach at anyone, i’m really just fascinated by people who aren’t afraid to love big….err….the notion of loving recklessly.  and being a verbal processor; things make more sense when i write them down as opposed to just letting them swim around in my brain and make little poops.  so i suppose this was the preface to my little story here.

i was inadvertently watching that show the X Factor last week (which i had never seen before) and was talking out loud to myself and my cat Poppy (who had a bad case of cat farts).  you know just judging the performers, judging the judges, judging, judging, judging – i mean isn’t that why America has so many of these shows?  because Americans get off on sitting on our couches judging people?  well, who knows…..but anyways something weird happened inside my rib cage.

a girl from a poor neighborhood in Texas was being showcased before her performance.  it showed a little bit of her life and she shared her story and where she comes from.  her mom and a slew of other relatives and friends were with her and swarmed around her all nervous & excited.  it felt like the producers were gonna put a spin on her story, like she was the underdog, from a rough neighborhood, having lived a rough life.  those producers’ schemes are so obvious to me.  anyway, she got up to sing and really did a great job.  the judges loved her, the crowd loved her.  it was nice.  but as i watched her, i suddenly felt this giant wave of love and concern come over me for HER!  it totally weirded me out because i didn’t even know this person, but it hit me like a tidal wave – and yes…..i started crying.  (maybe the cat farts played a part too).  my only thought was “wow…..this girl is so freaking loved.  i can feel it.”  out of no where my inadvertent couch judging had morphed into love.  for a total stranger.

commercial break: i shook it off, blamed female hormones (i think we can get away with blaming everything on them) and i got a bowl of ice cream.  i thought to myself – i’m just sensitive and emotional right now at this season in my life.  i should never tell anyone that i cried watching the X Factor, or actually that i am even watching the X Factor.  so, the next person was being showcased before her performance and it was a precious, silly woman in her 40′s who kept making jokes about wanting Simon to be her baby-daddy.  (i know…..ridiculous).  the producers seemed to be spinning it to make this woman look like a fool, and you could just feel it in your gut that she was gonna get on stage and flirt with Simon and then she wouldn’t even be able to carry a tune.  i mean you could feel it coming.  so she walks out onto stage, round and giggly and reared to get her game on with Simon.  she says some silly remarks and then one of the judges asks her her name.  she says her name is Panda.  no…..i’m serious.  the judges laugh and whisper amongst each other, not believing that this is her real name.  the crowd is laughing.  she goes on to say -on national television- that her mother had her when she was in prison.  she was born in a prison.  and her mother didn’t know what to do with the baby, nor was she interested in naming it.  she said her mother is black and her mother’s cell mate was white, so they decided it’d be funny to name the baby Panda.  my heart stopped beating.  the wave of love for this sweet woman hit me so hard i couldn’t even pretend i wasn’t sobbing.

this woman, who was born unwanted in a jail cell and given a silly name was SO LOVED.  i could feel it enormously inside my rib cage.  and i cried for her.  for her struggles, her name, her story, her heart.  and then when she sang, it was like Mama Cass or Ella, or like oh my gosh…..like Billie Holiday.  it was so deep, from her guts, and so powerful and strong.  this woman was a fighter.  she was a warrior.  she was the most beautiful person i have seen in a long time.  and she was loved.  i could feel it.

and for the last week my brain has shifted on it’s axis a little.  my God, everyone is beautiful.  every single one of us.  in our stories.  our shit.  our successes.  our troubles.  we are all beautiful.  we’re scared and frail and lost…….and beautiful.  we have been unwanted and unnamed at times.  and we’re beautiful.  we’ve been rejected and laughed at.  but we are all beautiful.  we’re coy, shy, awkward and beautiful.  we’re brash, proud, flashy and beautiful.  every single one of us.  sometimes it takes little awakenings to remember this simple fact, and to remember we’re all in this together.  we all want to be loved.  to be named.  to be valuable.  to be someone’s someone.

maybe it’s just me and i have an odd bend towards seeing the good in people……or maybe i make a choice to try to.  either way, i am looking differently at people this week.  there’s just no telling who was born in a prison, or who grew up taking care of their own parents.  love.  love.  love.  (telling myself in the mirror)

 be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle

- Plato

xo/jm

Florida road trip: Part II

Posted on by
Reply

i moved from Orlando to Charlotte when i was 17.  my Dad got a job transfer my senior year in high school.  i was a relatively “good” kid growing up so my parents gave me the option to stay in Orlando with my best friend’s family and finish my senior year – OR – move  with them to Charlotte; the unknown; a million miles away from everything i had ever known.  i didn’t even blink when they gave me my two choices: what idiot would leave Orlando their senior year?!  i had a boyfriend, a great tan, a wonderful job working with kids, a bunch of amazing friends, was apart of a cool youth group, went to the beach all the time, you get it – life was kinda cool in Florida.  i told everyone who asked me that “i was thinking/praying about moving with my parents”.  but the truth was i never even slightly had considered moving to Charlotte.  not even a little.

me circa 1998 – gotta love the 90′s

New Smyrna Beach 1998: my brother Nick, April, Jenn & me (brown as the day is long)

long story short, 3 days before my parents left i kind of had a breakdown…..errr encounter with the Lord(?)  i had been out late with friends and when i came home my Dad had left a piece of paper on my bed that had a picture of some cheesy sailboats and this:

“Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.”

- André Gide

still to this day i have no idea why this broke me, but it did.  i fell apart that night and started frantically throwing my stuff into boxes.  it was like the future, potential Jessie took over and knew something that the present Jessie was too naive & immature to know.  my soul needed to lost sight of the shore i had always been on.  my soul longed for change and risk and adventure but my heart and mind were too terrified to ever push off the dock.  something took over that night and packed my boxes.  i know 17 year old Jessie never would have done it on her own.  but whoever did it, i’m indebted to.

so yeah…..3 days later i got in my band-stickered 1991 Honda accord hatchback (complete with zebra-print seat covers) and cried the entire length of the state of Florida and into the arms of the unknown; the arms of the Queen City.  i’m glad i left that day.  i have grown much and learned much and changed so much.  but i am and always will be a Florida girl.  always.  so when i return there’s a big part of me that comes alive.  for however weird and ridiculously smoldering hot Florida is, it’s still my home and i will forever love and appreciate it’s strangeness and beauty.

and with that here’s the second half of my recent Florida fling:

the kids and i stayed 2 nights with my second parents The Dorn’s in Oviedo.  i’m sad i didn’t get pictures of them and the kids.  we had a great time and Lynn cooked me some of the best food of my life.  they are one of the only people/places from my childhood that are still in the same house.  it’s refreshing to have a familiar place to return to; that feels safe and makes you remember your childhood.  (sorry no pictures from their house).

next stop – Palm Beach Gardens

one of my best girls Kristina & her doll Adoration

Adoration & Sparrow

Noah isn’t very good at sleeping on beds

just 10 minutes from Kristina’s house is a sea turtle rehabilitation center.  we went there.

Adoration had a giant Hello Kitty that Sparrow fell in love with.  so one afternoon Sparrow & i went to the mall and got her one too.

early mornings

driving back to Orlando

stayed our last night with my sweet friends The Monteserin’s

after baths and dinner The Monteserin’s volunteered to babysit and sent me out the door.  I met up with their son (my favorite Puerto Rican) Stephan to attend an art show he was throwing.  I arrived at his house (where he lives with like 12 other people) and was tickled to see that his bed is perched atop a working jacuzzi.  seriously.

 

Stephan works at an eclectic little coffee shop called Credo – which is where he was putting on the art show.  upon arrival i demanded a cappuccino or a nap – because i was so freaking tired.  he obliged with a capp and i woke up enough to enjoy the evening.  i met so many people and answered the same questions a hundred times: How do you know Stephan?  What do you do?  What are you doing in Florida?  i had a great time.  and came home to this:

next morning we ate some breakfast and had a bit of a meltdown getting out the of the house, but once we were on the road the kids fell asleep and all was right in the world again.  Unfortunately we hit hours of stop and go traffic on 95, which turned the 8 hour drive into a 12 hour drive.  thank the Lord for car DVD players and Walt Disney.  between Cars, Cars2 and Finding Nemo we survived the traffic nightmare.  until i blew a tire 20 minutes outside of Charlotte.  CUSS!

my brother Nick who lives in Rock Hill came to my rescue with a couple of friends.  and then Mark showed up too.  i had 4 guys fixing my flat on the side of the road.  i was so tired i could barely talk.  but they changed the tire and i headed home to sleep soundly in my own bed.

 it was an epic trip and i’m glad i took it.  i am already planning another one.  have to get back to see Kristina again.  Hopefully i can convince some other friends to join me this time?!

people, we really do have to lose sight of the shore if we hope to explore new oceans.

tallyho!

jessie

fly

Posted on by
2

More than anything else the sensation is one of perfect peace mingled with an excitement that strains every nerve to the utmost, if you can conceive of such a combination.            {on flying}  ~Wilbur Wright

from the last post i talked about a trip to Georgia for a dear friend’s baby shower.  well that dear friend, April has a husband Adam (who is also a dear friend of mine) who just so happened to get his private pilot’s license a few months ago.  this Adam also just so happens to have his own plane.  and this jessie just so happens to have “fly a plane” on her bucket list.

BOOM!

 (that was my head & my heart exploding with joy when i found out Adam was taking me up for a ride in his Cessna after April’s baby shower)

may the pictures tell the rest of the story….

prior to this moment there had been no discussion with adam as to whether i had permission to fly the plane or not.  i mean he had just gotten his license, so i didn’t expect he’d let me fly his plane.  but misty grabbed my camera and told me to pretend like i was flying the plane (top picture).  adam smiled at me, flipped some switches, let go and told me to hold on tight cause i was flyin’ solo (bottom picture).

i pretty much pooped my pants.

adam was a great teacher and after i stopped freaking out he talked me through flying a plane!  every muscle in my body was so tense, but it was seriously the best moment ever.

i asked a lot of questions and stayed focused.  it was so epic.  he let me turn the plane 180 degrees and gave me some very basic info.  i love this picture…..it makes me look like a pro.  i got to fly for about 20 minutes then adam took back over and flew us around some clouds.

pilot jokes

that’s I-85

When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return.

~Leonardo Da Vinci  (Thanks, Tommy)

Life has a funny way of happening

Posted on by
Reply
january 28, 2010

control is an illusion.  if you are convinced that you have “control” over anything in your life, you are sadly mistaken.  we can make goals in our lives and have plans, but nothing is 100% proven to actually go the way we think it should.  if you know the Lord – at all, then you have probably already figured this out.  i suppose i’m having a refresher course, at 29.  here’s what happened.

Part I.

to start at the beginning, i had an extremely horrific labor & birth experience with my son Noah.  what began as something i had “planned” (a natural birth), progressed many hours into a cataclysmic, drug-induced, frenzy to save not only my baby – who was stuck in the birth canal losing oxygen – but i also feared for my own life and at one point stopped praying and started cursing.  i did not give birth to my son, he was pulled from me with forceps after 3 hours of unproductive pushing.  because i was losing blood so rapidly i did not get to enjoy my son but for only a few moments.  then they took him from me, cleared the room and i was in major surgery for over 3 hours due to a 4th degree tear (if you don’t know what this is, i’m not going to explain it – it’s too graphic).  the days to follow were beautiful, getting to know my son and welcoming friends and family who came to visit.  except there was one, major problem.  i was paralyzed from the waist down.  literally.

we went home against medical advice and just hoped and prayed the Lord would heal my legs.  i used a wheelchair and a walker my grandmother let me borrow.  after 2 weeks there was no improvement.  we called some doctors and had an MRI and a few other diagnostic tests run.  no conclusions.  everyone was stumped, they had no answer as to why i was paralyzed.  the only answer that made any sense was that i had some nerve damage from where the baby was wedged in my lower back/hip region for over 3 hours when i was pushing.  the nerves were pinched and probably damaged.  the neurologist had only seen a case similar to mine once in his entire career.  he said it was a petite girl who gave birth to a large baby – like me.  she wasn’t able to walk for 6 months.  I was devastated.  i was also still healing from the 4th degree tear and the surgery, which after a few falls (trying to walk on my own) needed to be re-stitched.  i was falling apart.

we shared all of this information with friends and family and asked for prayer.  there was nothing else that we could do.  after 3 months i WAS able to walk again, but had to be very careful.  it still took another 3-4 months before i could walk up and down stairs, run, squat or dance by myself.  this was the most traumatic thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life.  mark and i both agreed that we were done having babies.  neither of us could face going through such an experience again.  i was convinced my body wasn’t made to give birth.

i lost my faith to a degree and felt as though the Lord had abandoned me.  i couldn’t understand why ALL of my friends were able to have natural births with only minor set-backs but mine went so dramatically wrong, in every way.  i am thankful to have my legs back and that it didn’t take 6 months for a full recovery, but i still have a lot of questions, a lot of grief, and a lot fear.  i’ve spent the past year just trying to move on with my life and find my joy in the fact that despite the nightmare experience, i now have an amazing, healthy, handsome, hilarious little boy.  i love him more than i could ever explain.

Part II.

the day before Christmas Eve i was feeling a bit under the weather.  i took some cold medicine, rested and started feeling better – except for the strange nausea i kept feeling.  i wrote it off and prepped myself for enjoying Christmas with my husband and my son.  Christmas Eve we had an awesome fondue dinner at my brother’s.  my nephew got sick that night, so i assumed i probably just had what he had; a little bug…it’d go away soon, no big deal.  Christmas Day….still not feeling well.  i did my best to hide it and enjoy the day – which was awesome!  i told mark that night that despite the head cold, everything else i was feeling felt like i was pregnant.  but we both said that was impossible.  i’d been on birth control since march – remember we knew we didn’t want anymore kids.

saturday and sunday rolled by.  we basked in the joy of our son at Christmas-time and the love of our friends and family.  we really have a lot to be thankful for.  there was still this nasty head-cold and nagging nausea.  finally sunday night i went and bought a box of pregnancy tests.  i knew the best time to take it was first thing in the morning, so i told mark i’d do it then.

 it was instantly positive and i was utterly terrified.  i sobbed into the living room, handed mark the test and melted into his arms, heaving tears for what felt like an eternity.  he was gentle and calm and loving.  we both realized we had done everything we knew to do to avoid this and that it was clearly out of our hands.  we had no control.  it was just meant to be.  i called my mom & dad and asked them to come over.  (they thought we were mad about something….hahaha).  they were loving and gentle as well, but also couldn’t hide their excitement at all.  dad took us out for lunch to “celebrate”.  i was no where even remotely near celebrating.  that day i went in and out of tears every other hour.  called and made myself a doctor’s appointment.  since i never had a period (due to breast-feeding), i had no earthly clue how far along i was.  i told the nurse over the phone i had the juiciest office gossip of the year.  she laughed and agreed.

the next day everything came to another devastating level.  i had just gotten off the phone with my sister-in-law who was out of town.  i told her i was pregnant, and she was sympathetic, but also couldn’t hide her excitement.  i said goodbye and then went to use the restroom.  i was bleeding……like i’d been shot.  i started having a panic attack and called for mark.  he said it was probably ok.  but it didn’t stop.  i knew this wasn’t ok.  i called the doctor and they told me to get in the car immediately.  i had to pull over halfway there and change my clothes.  there was so much blood i was convinced that i was losing the baby.  they took me back right away to do some blood work.  i begged for them to do an ultrasound, or something to tell me the baby was ok!  but my doctor was in a meeting so i couldn’t even talk to him.  the nurses told me to go home, rest and try not to think about it.  i cried all the way home.  i always wondered what this felt like.

next morning 8am i got a call that my blood work had come back and my hormone levels looked really good.  they said “you’re numbers are so high that we would be able to see the baby on an ultrasound, come in right away!”  my head was spinning.  i got dressed and drove myself to the office.  i was so nervous as to what i might see on that screen.  i knew i needed some more support, so i called a friend and told her everything.  i was so afraid that i might see a dead or struggling baby on that ultrasound picture – i was so nervous.  my friend was in total shock, but was still comforting and sympathetic.  i felt some peace.

the screen showed a tiny little tadpole with a beautiful heartbeat.  everything looked great.  i could hardly believe this was happening.  how did that baby even get in there in the first place?!  my doctor was very straight-forward with me.  he said i wasn’t even remotely out of the woods.  with all the bleeding, there was no telling whether this little one was going to make it or not.  i was told it was an at-risk pregnancy, and to try not to center my life around having another baby, yet.  only time would tell if this pregnancy would last.  i scheduled another ultrasound 3 weeks out and went home.

those 3 weeks were the longest in my life.  i cried everyday wondering if i was more upset about actually being pregnant, or about possibly losing the baby, any day at any moment.  i was so observant about my body and every little thing i felt.  my nausea & exhaustion intensified everyday, along with an imbalance in my emotional stability.  the crisis in Haiti had me sobbing 5 times a day, wishing i had my pilot’s license.  i shared my news with only a handful of friends and asked them to keep it quiet until we knew that everything was ok.  i still wasn’t ready to celebrate.  everytime i told someone, i cried – like i had a fatal disease.

January 20, 2010

finally the day of my 2nd ultrasound – which also happened to be my 29th Birthday.  i had been waiting for this day forever.  mark was able to get out of work and come with me.  we held hands and watched the screen.  there it was…..little frog-legs and all, bouncing around, living it’s tiny little life.  a perfect heartbeat, sweet little hands and feet and a tubby little tummy.  it was 5 times bigger than the first ultrasound.  i was still in shock.  the technician said everything looked great.  my baby was growing like a bean sprout and looked perfect.  mark and i thought we counted 6 fingers on one of it’s hands, but the tech said it just looks that way.  we decided at lunch that we were ok with 6 fingers.

my doctor said since i hadn’t had anymore bleeding and the ultrasound looked beautiful that there was only a 10% chance of miscarriage now.  and if i made it to 12 weeks with no problems, then there was only a 3% chance of miscarriage after that!  what wonderful news!  he also gave me some information regarding labor & delivery, on how to avoid what happened to me last time.  it gave me some peace and mark and i are looking for another doctor now because mine is no longer delivering babies.  : (

i started seeing a counselor last week as well.  i realize i have a canyon of fear, grief, disappointment and trauma that i need to start dealing with.  i kind of feel like the Lord has allowed this so He can do a quick healing in my heart.  it’s actually strange that after a year i still haven’t dealt with this on a deeper level.  i want my heart to be well.  i want to trust the Lord with this pregnancy and delivery.  i don’t want fear to control me.  but to be honest…..right now i am completely terrified.  i am slowly getting a little more peace and a tiny bit of excitement each day.  but i’m still not totally up for celebrating.  after posting a picture on facebook i got a ton of “congratulations”.  which are all well-meaning, of course.  but i am still processing a lot and crying a lot.  most people have no idea what i went through.

i believe without a shadow of a doubt that i need a boat-load of prayer and grace this time around.  i can’t deny that this baby has a strong destiny.  i mean who can?  it’s alive despite the birth control and despite the hemorrhaging waterfall it survived!  it’s alive!  the Lord has big plans for this little one, and i am definitely not one to argue that, at all.

my Mom made a really good point to me.  she said that i was a “surprise” baby as well.  i always knew this.  but for my 26th Birthday she wrote me a letter that said all these years they had always said that her getting pregnant with me was an “accident”.  she realized from the Lord that that was completely inaccurate.  she said that the Lord knew exactly when she would need a good friend more than anything in life, and that friend was me.  if she hadn’t gotten pregnant with me when she did i wouldn’t have been around (in my 20′s) when she needed a good friend the most.  and that we are…..my mom and i are best friends.

she hugged me and said “you’re getting YOUR jessie”.

i am 11 weeks this Saturday.  prepare the world, people.  because a child with a strong destiny is coming to bring love, peace and change to the world August 20th, 2010.

pray for my heart to heal.  i told the Lord we have a little over 6 months to put my heart back together.  this baby deserves it.