somestuffaboutstuff

fix it?

somestuffaboutstuff — Thu, 11 Apr 2013 16:30:15 +0000

with the recent dvd release of ‘Wreck it Ralph’ (which i have watched over 2 dozen times already because my kids love it so much), my son has adopted a new toy. a hammer.

in the film (which is brilliant – you should watch it) there’s Ralph: the bad guy who wrecks everything. Then there’s Fix It Felix Jr. who has a magic hammer passed down to him from his father. This magic hammer fixes everything that Ralph wrecks; it actually can fix anything: a broken car, an injury, a dilapidated house, a broken window, an entire skyscraper – anything!

so back to Noah. he has this hammer. a plastic hammer that does not have magical fixing powers, but Noah doesn’t know that. he goes around all day, everyday hammering everything that looks broken to him and assuming he’s fixing it. real parenting – i have honestly hidden the hammer from him because i’m afraid he’s going to break something – all the while he really seriously thinks he’s fixing everything he hammers.

it hit me this morning that lots of us have “hammers” we are completely convinced we’re using for good, but they’re actually damaging the very thing we want to fix; the thing we assume we’re fixing or helping.

so today i am personally reevaluating the tools in my tool belt. the things i think i’m doing a good job at to help others – my kids, my friends, my family, myself, the community – and i’m honestly asking myself am i actually helping or am i hurting?

of course my son is just playing make-believe and is only 4 years old and he wouldn’t understand even if i tried to explain to him that his hammer is not magical and that going around banging on everything is just giving me a massive headache. but i can apply it to my own life.

think about it.

maybe it’s what you call “ministry” or your “calling”. it appears to be good, and on paper it is good. but, is it really helping or is it hurting? maybe it’s religion or an opinion you have. is it helping or hurting? maybe it’s some interpretation of scripture. is it helping or hurting?

i don’t know about you, but i aim to bring good news to the poor. bind up the broken hearted. proclaim freedom to the prisoners. to comfort those who mourn. to bring messages of joy instead of news of doom. to care for the widow and the orphan. to love with all the depth and width and breadth which has been given unto me. and then some.

so today maybe we should all be asking ourself the question…..”am i a tool?” or “what kind of tool am i?”

xo/jm

Sparrow, my daughter

somestuffaboutstuff — Fri, 15 Mar 2013 21:18:19 +0000

i figured it was time for an official update on my daughter, Sparrow. (if you’re prone to cry – get some tissues.)

from the beginning:

Sparrow was born August 16th, 2010 via c-section. she had been diagnosed in the womb with several heart defects a few months prior and we were in the right hospital, with the right doctors, surgeons and cardiologists for her to receive the very best care possible. after 4 days of tests and living in a little box in the NICU, Sparrow was given the following diagnoses:

double-inlet left ventricle
transposition of the great vessels
interrupted aortic arch

at 4 days old she had her first major heart surgery. the machines seen below sustained her life post-op for 2+ weeks.

unlike most mother’s of newborns, i rarely was able to hold my new baby. for almost 3 weeks i drove home in tears leaving my newborn at the hospital. moments like the one below were sacred.

she stayed in the hospital for almost 3 weeks, then we finally were able to bring her home. Sparrow was one month old.

however she still had an NG (nasal gastric) tube down her nose for feedings because during surgery her vocal chords were damaged and she was left unable to swallow – or make any sounds. i couldn’t nurse my baby or feed her with a bottle. we fed Sparrow through a syringe, through the tube that went down her nose – for 4 months. she also didn’t cry. her vocal chords were paralyzed and thus making it impossible to hear her cry. if things weren’t hard enough, Sparrow also came home on oxygen. the repairs done to her heart only helped her to live longer, they didn’t “fix” her heart. so the oxygen was necessary for her life. i brought home my silent, sweet, baby girl with an oxygen tank and a feeding tube. the four months that followed were a blur, but i’m thankful i photograph nearly everything, because i have the photos to remind me. to say that life was hard is a massive under statement. it was the hardest thing i have ever gone through – hand’s down. we also were caring for an almost 2 year old – my sweet Noah Fox – who was emotional and uncertain of all that was going on. i did the best i could with what i was given.

that December (2010), Sparrow had her second major heart surgery. ”the Glenn”

it went as planned, with only a few set backs post-op, but she recovered quickly. all i wanted for Christmas was to have my baby girl home with me – and hopefully off oxygen. both my wishes were granted. she also slowly learned how to drink out of a bottle after we found out her vocal chords were working again. Christmas miracles: a voice, drinking out of a bottle, and no more oxygen tubes!

after the second surgery, we were told that from here on out she would grow and be a relatively “normal” toddler. she sees her cardiologist every 6 months, receives echo cardiograms (fancy ultrasounds of her heart), and has normal check-ups with her pediatrician.

until she turns 3.

once Sparrow turns 3 (or weighs around 30+ pounds) she will have outgrown the repairs done in Dec. 2010 to her heart and will need one final surgery – for the rest of her life. we are now approaching that date – August 2013 – and i am looking at this coming summer, to cram it with as much fun and adventure as i can provide for an almost 3 year old.

for Spring Break i’m trying to put together a trip to Disney for her. she just LOVES Mickey, Nemo and the Princesses. currently we’ll be crashing on friend’s couches and people’s floors throughout Florida to make it happen, but i’m such an optimist, i’m just thankful to have somewhere to stay in Florida. then, this summer I’m trying to plan a big week-long (or longer) beach trip somewhere on the Carolina coast, where we can invite all her closest friends and family to make some summer memories with her before surgery #3 in August. i just want to make my daughter’s dreams come true. what parent doesn’t want that for their child? i know in my guts she’s going to be ok through this next surgery, but i can’t help feeling like we should still go big this summer and try and have the most fun possible – for Sparrow.

for those who have followed her story/her life from the beginning, and have been a friend to me – thank you. for those of you who pray, keep praying – i do every night. i thought i’d update you all on who she is and what she’s into – so you can feel even the tiniest fleck of love i feel for her. her health is great! if you never saw the scar on her chest, you’d never know there was anything wrong with her. to me, she is an epic example of grace and love. she has and will always be the biggest miracle i have ever witnessed first-hand. Sparrow is full of sass and spunk and beauty and silliness, she is my fearless bird. her favorite things are kitties (specifically Hello Kitty), lambs, singing songs, Nemo, swimming, dancing, going to the beach, Mickey Mouse and the Disney Princesses.

ladies and gentlemen, i give you……Sparrow Song Mathis

first birthday

she loves her Daddy

Sparrow’s best friend Isabel who is my best friend’s little girl

second birthday

below is Sparrow’s pediatric cardiology appointment last August

she loves her cardiologist Dr. Bensky – who she calls “Dr. Bandaid”

getting her echo cardiogram – such a good patient

the scar she will have forever. my beauty.

her most recent appointment with Dr. Bensky – February 2013

xo/jm

ps. any help i can get to get this girl to Disney for spring break and give her a beach vacation this July before surgery would be awesome! thanks for loving her. thanks for loving me.

wasted

somestuffaboutstuff — Wed, 13 Mar 2013 14:59:49 +0000

time is a tick. latched on; sucking away at our blood, our childhood, our youth, our kids, our parents, our plans, our dreams, our souls. relentless and unforgiving; pressing forward always ticking, always sucking, never stopping.

recently i took a trip to new york to visit a beloved friend on her birthday. i had a thought as we waited for the train. ”i wonder how much of our lives we spend waiting” – i thought to myself. we rode the train to meet another friend who was standing out in the cold waiting for a table to open at a darling little french restaurant. as the three of us stood huddled in the cold, waiting for our table, waiting to eat delicious french food and enjoy an authentic french press i said my thought aloud. “i wonder how much of our lives are spent waiting”. we stood and thought together and sheltered one another from the cold. while we were forced to wait for food and coffee we giggled and breathed closely on one another; inhaling and exhaling a frigid, beautiful moment of camaraderie.

‘hurry up and wait’ is something i have often heard and been tickled by. it’s pretty quintessential America though, to hurry up and wait. right? or maybe it’s all humans, not just Americans. we rush out the door only to be met by an hour of stop and go traffic. hurry up and wait. as a kid i wanted to grow up and have my independence so bad. hurry up and get through 8th grade so i can go to high school. hurry up and get my driver’s license. hurry up and graduate. but there’s always still something more we end up waiting for. seems like in America we want what we want when we want it and if we’re forced to wait any longer than our patience allows, then we’re pissy and unappreciative by the time we get whatever it was we waited to get. right? or whatever we get turns out not to be what we thought it was going to be, so we’re disappointed & disillusioned and end up setting our sights on the next thing we have to wait for; with hope and anticipation that IT will be what we’ve been waiting for. but wait…..

are we waiting our lives away?

OR, are we perhaps meant to find beauty, contentment, enjoyment and even purpose in the waiting? Eureka!

“take your time” and “take time” are also typical catch phrases, usually in terms of doing something the right way or without messing up. “take time” also implies taking it slow and not rushing something – which is a bit contrary to “hurry up and wait”, but they kind of go hand in hand for me. we can’t literally TAKE time. can we? no, but we can choose to accept the circumstances within the time we have. take what you have while you have it – no matter what it is, then choose to see something noteworthy in that time. even if it’s a tiny bloom, on a tiny branch, in a tiny bit of soil, in an old boot.

we literally wait for everything. don’t you constantly hear or say “I can’t wait for…….summer, dinner, Christmas, graduation, Friday, a new job, a boyfriend/girlfriend, a spouse, a new job, this baby to be born, a new house, vacation…” and then, once we’ve received what we waited for, are we even full, or thankful or appreciative? ask yourself: was it worth the wait? what did i do while i was waiting? the American dream alludes to having more & bigger and being fuller. but often once we get whatever it is we think we need/want/deserve/have earned it doesn’t always fulfill. it doesn’t usually match by measure the amount of time we waited or the amount of suffering we endured whilest waiting.

here’s what i think: i think (for as cliche as it sounds) that we are not meant to waste the waiting.

waste –

to use, consume, spend, or expend thoughtlessly or carelessly.
to fail to take advantage of or use for profit; lose.
to pass without being put to use.
garbage; trash.
regarded or discarded as worthless or useless.

as the time tick ravenously sucks our lives away, many of us see waiting as a waste of time. but i think time can only be wasted if you allow it; if you surrender your time to be wasted. if it’s your time – as i mentioned before – where we accept the circumstances within the time we’ve been given, then no one can waste your time except YOU. don’t be afraid of something being a waste of your time, you’re the only one who can control how that time is consumed. only you can take advantage of the circumstances within the time you have to see it differently, and use it for profit, or to lose it.

sure, it’s easy to blame the slow, one-eyed, elderly dinosaur-woman processing your tags at the DMV for wasting your time. or you could just accept that there are circumstances within the time you’ve been given. right here. right now. and YOU have the power to regard it as fruitful or discard it as waste. it’s up to you. it’s always been up to you….because it’s your time.

for many of us, one of our greatest fears is that we are wasting our time. whether it’s wasting our time investing in something that we don’t think is going to ultimately take us where we want to be. or we’re wasting our time doing something we’d rather not be doing. or we’re wasting our time NOT doing something we should be doing. usually in those DMV situations, or the “i’ve been dateless for 3 whole years”, or sitting in traffic, or waiting for the promotion – we think of all the other, more important things we could be doing with our time – but instead it’s being “wasted” standing here or waiting in line or sitting in traffic. but what if we saw it differently?

don’t waste the waiting.

this past week i was rolling over in my mind this idea of wasting time or something being a waste of time and came to the conclusion for myself, that if i take each and every second of every day captive – as my own – that no one can waste anything that’s mine, except me. and even when i invest in something that doesn’t seem like it’s producing fruit (or the size of fruit i was hoping for) it doesn’t mean all that time was wasted; that there’s no fruit to be accounted for. because there is. there’s always something that can be done in the waiting; there’s always a profit if i choose to view life that way. and no matter what i’m doing with my life, it’s not going to be wasted. unless i consume it thoughtlessly or carelessly. unless i allow my own time to pass without being put to use. unless i call my waiting time garbage or trash. unless i regard the waiting as worthless or useless.

so yeah, if you’re like me you wanna know the answer…..well, wait no more – i looked it up.

we spend an average of 62 minutes every day – waiting.

filling up the gas tank, sitting in traffic, waiting for our coffee to brew, waiting for wine to age, waiting for vacation, waiting for those TPS reports, waiting for babies to be born, waiting for flowers to grow, waiting for him to call, waiting for this blog to be over, waiting for our luggage, waiting for water to boil, waiting for the test results, sitting in the car pool line at school, waiting for wounds to heal, waiting for a website to load, waiting for a sign, waiting for “the one”, waiting, waiting, waiting. if we live till we’re 70, that makes a total of 3 whole years of your life that you spent, just waiting.

what if tucked between the aches and discomfort of the wait is a real reward? something greater than the initial goal in mind? perhaps the richest of rewards; the biggest, juiciest fruits are grown only in waiting well: patience and humility, friendship and maturity.

no, we can’t take time. we can’t stop the time tick – suckling away at our jugular, injecting us with the age virus – giving us crow’s feet and arthritis and dinosaur brains. it’s inevitable. but we can use what we have, while we have it. even if it’s 62 minutes a day of waiting. do we see that 62 minutes as a complete waste of time or an opportunity? often what we view as an inconvenience is really an invitation.

don’t waste the waiting.

xo/jm

this is me waiting to pick up my kids. i’m waiting for wounds to heal. i’m waiting for change. i’m waiting for something to break and something to mend. but while i wait, i’m enjoying the sun and spring and friendships and the new local natives record.

Interview with Bad Talk

somestuffaboutstuff — Fri, 22 Feb 2013 14:16:10 +0000

Hey music people. I am hella proud to present Bad Talk – a new pop punk band that will blow your mind. birthed from former Sent By Ravens singer Zach Riner and southern bass legend Jeremy Smith. I skype-chatted with these two about their new band, punk agendas, being trophy husbands and not getting stuck. They sent me the demos almost a year ago and I’ve been trying to snag an interview with them ever since. Enjoy. JS = Jeremy Smith. ZR = Zach Riner. JM = me, duh.

JM: hey guys. thank you for finally doing an interview with me! feels like months since i first heard the demos – which i love – and have wanted to show you guys to the world. can you tell me why you’re just now going public?

ZR: well thank you!

JS: since we were both in other bands and there was a fair amount of expectation on this new project, we wanted to come out of the gate strong and swingin’…..so we didn’t really want to show up and people be like “ahh….it’s just their first song; their first show – whatever”. we wanted to come out and kill it. so we waited till we felt like we could come out swingin’.

ZR: which we’re only just kinda swingin’ now. haha

JS: but better now than a year ago when we came up with our first couple songs.

JM: i dunno. i would say you buying the time has given you a bigger fan base already. no?

JS: yeah it has.

JM: it’s smart. you did that on purpose?

ZR: yes.

JS: well also, what we did was book a show when we only had 2 songs written – about 3 months out – just to kinda light a fire under our butts. i thrive in situations where we either embarrass ourselves or pull it off and sound awesome. it is still undecided which way it’s gonna go. but, we started practicing a crap load and wrote some rad songs.

ZR: i need a breath mint. i don’t wanna kill Jeremy.

JS: Zach has really bad breath. that’s on the record.

JM: okay.

ZR: not always! just right now. i haven’t had a chance to brush my teeth yet.

JS: most of the time.

JM: i brush my teeth all the time.

ZR: i’ve been really busy preparing for this interview.

JM: are you nervous?

ZR: for the interview or the show?

JM: yeah

ZR: not the interview; the show: yes.

JM: k. well…..look i’m glad we got to interview today, whether you have bad breath or not because Bad Talk has a show tomorrow. tell me everything about it now.

ZR: yeah….we’re playing tomorrow Friday February 22 at Snug Harbor in Charlotte. Doors are at 9:00 with the Rejectioneers and a band called Motel Glory, from Charlotte….or Rock Hill.

JS: Rejectioneers start at 10:00, then us, then Motel Glory. be there early because Rejectioneers are amazing.

ZR: yeah they are.

JS: all time favorite band. that’s not true. but they’re one of my favorite bands.

JM: hahaha cool.

JS: yeah….we’re doing our first two shows with them and probably hopefully all of our shows forever. Snug Harbor’s a rad little club and it’s gonna be a good time. I’m really excited.

ZR: i’ve never played guitar at a show before.

JM: wow!

ZR: never.

JS: so he’s out of his comfort zone a little…..

ZR: i’m nervous….cause i sang in a band for a long time. but i just sang….so playing guitar….is….uh…i’m gonna be nervous. i’m gonna have to have lots of drinks. on you. you’re gonna have to buy them for me.

JM: yep. what’chu drinkin’?

ZR: i’m not picky. a hungry dog will eat anything.

JS: eh!

JM: eh!

ZR: eh!

JM: OK! as a fresh newborn baby band, can you tell your current and future fans who you are and where you came from?

JS: we’re a little punk band out of Hartsville, SC…

ZR: called Bad Talk

JS: called Bad Talk. we’ve all been friends for a real long time and realized that we should probably put a band together, so we started writing some songs, hanging out and starting fires. it all came out of that. our goal is to put out songs we’re stoked about playing live and put out records we’re stoked about and have a good time.

ZR: i agree. you know Jeremy…..when you say talk and when i say talk it sounds completely different.

JS: yeah…

ZR: that’s weird.

JS: well, Georgia vs. South Carolina accents…

JM: uh….Zach what are two of your most favorite things in the world?

ZR: any subject?

JM: yeah.

ZR: I love….I love making french press in the mornin’. and…

JM: you love Jeremy’s hair.

ZR: no.

JS: no….he’s jealous of my hair.

ZR: well i’m losin’ mine. it’s stupid!

JS: hahaha

ZR: let’s see…..you know those little mints, they’re pink and green and red? and they have the white sprinkles on the bottom? they’re melty mints? those are prolly my favorite thing on planet earth.

JM: yeah. those are good. Jeremy….what are your two most favorite things in the world?

JS: baseball and…comic books.

ZR: i shoulda said baseball.

JS: well, i already did, so….

JM: cool. next question:

historically speaking, punk music has frequently (but not always) carried some type of agenda. does Bad Talk have an agenda?

ZR: no. not really.

JS: i would say anything i contribute lyrically – i’m pretty unimaginative when it comes to it – so it’s gonna be something that’s happened to me, or somebody that i think is super lame and i wanna write a song about ‘em…

ZR: yeah….well it’s all personal stuff. that’s what makes it fun. you know? you get to write about stuff that you maybe can’t express in some other way. but as far as a specific agenda – no. will our songs involve a lot of different areas? yeah. family, politics, whatever…..well, we don’t really get into politics that much, cause we don’t really care, so….

JM: got it, but are you endorsing sex, drugs, rock’n'roll, anarchy?

JS: hahaha

ZR: we’re not endorsing them. we participate, but we don’t endorse them.

JS: yeah….hahahaha

ZR: we don’t do drugs. that’s about it.

JS: yeah….well, anarchy too i guess. i mean we’re pretty far away from the whole punk stereotype, i guess. cause that whole thing’s kinda silly to me. when it comes to like….you gotta look this way…..dress this way….you know, believe these kinda things. cause what always happens (i was into bands like this in high school) with these bands is the only people who go to these shows are people that already believe in anarchy or are radical or whatever. so it’s always just preachin’ to the choir.

JM: sure….yeah.

JS: so it’s uninteresting to me. just singing to a room full of people that already agree with you.

JM: so then, what is your purpose?

ZR: to write good songs.

JS: yeah we just wanna write songs and play and have fun shows.

ZR: we just wanna write songs that we like. that’s it.

JM: so it’s just for your own enjoyment, then?

ZR & JS: yeah.

JS: if other people like it, that’s cool. but it’s more for us to put out records we’re proud of and play awesome shows.

ZR: that’s the thing…… i think we both have been in other bands that (speaking for both of us) we enjoyed the music, but it wasn’t “us” particularly 100% writing the music. you know? so it was just a different genre, whether it be for Jeremy to just write a bass part or i just wrote lyrics; melody kinda thing. it wasn’t all of our guts into every song. so this is what WE want it to sound like.

JM: right. and while we’re on that subject, what were your “other bands”?

JS: Public Radio – i’ve been playing bass for since 2006 (i don’t know if you’ve heard of them) hahahaha and i play with whoever will have me for the most part. and then this jabronie was in some little band….

ZR: me and JJ both were in a band called Sent By Ravens for about 6 years and it’s done so….

JM: you miss it?

ZR: no. cause i’m playin’ punk rock that i want to play. i mean, i liked the music that we played, but i listen to this kind of music, so why wouldn’t i play something i enjoy?

JM: yeah man. i get that. i definitely have eaten up the demos. i love ‘em. i really do. have you gotten any other feedback?

JS: yeah i would say it’s been mostly positive.

ZR: there’s been people that were fans of Sent By Ravens, so some of them really liked it and some of them didn’t care for it, just because it was completely different.

JM: right.

JS: i think some people want it to sound like the stuff we were involved in before, but it’s just totally different. and if you don’t like it, that’s totally fine…..we won’t be that hard to ignore if you don’t like us. but all the feedback has been super positive for the most part. we’ve been really happy about it. this is the first time i’ve had my guts really into the music, so if someone gave someone else a bad review on a record that i played on, they’re not like “man that bass part really sucked”. so for reading all these reviews now, if i read a bad one, i just want to comment under and it be like “yeah, well what does YOUR band sound like?!” you know? i’m a little emotionally invested here.

JM: i see that. so, what would you argue if someone were to say that punk is dead?

JS: i started getting into punk rock when i was eleven; that’s when i started wanting to play music in the first place. and to me, as long as there’s punk bands putting out rad records and there’s bands playing shows – it’s not dead. that just never really made sense to me. i guess in the mainstream and the whole fashion movement – you know challenging society and all that – or punk being a huge thing on the radio, yeah that’s dead. but the fact that it was on the radio in the first place……

ZR: but it is coming back from underground scenes and things like that…..

JS: but the past ten years some of my all time favorite punk albums have come out. it might be under people’s radar, so they’d say it’s dead, but for me it’s the best. Screeching Weasels put out the best records they ever have – and bands like that. so yeah…..to me it’s not dead. and as long as there’s rad punk bands that are playing rad shows, it’s not dead.

JM: totally, and now that BadTalk has been birthed and is alive on the scene it’s a whole new world.

JS: yeah…..we’ll do out part.

JM: well, what’s happening behind the scenes boys? you have a show tomorrow. what are you working on album-wise? an EP? a full-length? what else? tour?

ZR: we’re working on a full length right now that we wrote in the past month and a half. we just got done writing the other 6 songs in our set that we’re gonna play tomorrow night. i got done writing two songs worth of lyrics, finishing them up – last night! so…

JM: dang!

JS: ideally we’re going to record this summer and we’d like to go into the studio with 20 songs and pick the best ones.

ZR: that’s probably the reason it’s taking so long, cause we feel like we need to have the best product at the beginning.

JM: that’s really good though…

ZR: A lot of bands can just go out…..but we’ve been in bands – we know how it works – we’re gonna take our time. people can wait.

JS: yeah exactly. that’s why we went ahead and put those other songs up, so people would at least know. but we’ve got another show March 9th in Columbia at New Brookland Tavern. so we’re just getting ready, only playing a few shows a month, not hitting the road crazy hard anytime soon. but we’re super active. keep writing and playing gigs.

JM: do you have tshirts?

JS: yeah we got tshirts and they are awesome. you can find them on all of our little social networking websites.

ZR: we won’t have any CD’s at the show, though…

JM: what’s a CD?

JS: yeah exactly. they’re dead anyway. we won’t have any cassette tapes either.

JM: hahaha too bad. ok yes…..your track ‘Make it Through’ (which i love) is an anthem of epic proportions. talk me through it……cause i am all for packing my bags and not being suffocated. so what’s the story?

ZR: let me start the story off by telling you what made us write the song. we were walking back to his house, last year sometime, from the gas station – about 3 blocks from his house – and we’re walking back and this car full of rednecks scream out the window “Go home faggots!” hahaha….

JS: ….and we’re like “we’re on our way home” hahaha

ZR: cause we don’t have big ‘ole loose jeans on or whatever – which is fine. so it made me think about us living small towns. most of us came from Hartsville or a small town in Georgia – about the same size – and….

JS: yeah…..when you grow up in a small town the thing you always run into is people who either love it, or hate it – particularly when you’re in high school you hate it regardless – but you’re just constantly surrounded by people that are complaining non-stop about …..”if i uh….lived in a big city i’d do this…..and you know….” and i’m always like “why don’t you? why don’t you save up your first month’s rent and go move somewhere?” i know sometimes there are circumstances that keep you in a place, but 90% of the time no one is locking you up except yourself.

ZR: the song is about not getting stuck, or not having to get stuck. i know you know, and everybody else knows those people who go off to college, or they stay there from high school and stay there their whole life or whatever it is…..

JS: or you get your girlfriend pregnant and start working at Wal-Mart, and that’s totally fine if that’s what you wanna do. but i know so many people that if they wanted to could move to Charlotte or move to Atlanta so easy, but they’re like “mmmmyeah……” and they have 5,000 excuses. For me, life’s too short. and if you hate your job – quit. if you hate school – …..uh…..i won’t say drop-out….hahaha i mean, i DID! hahaha

JM: careful. careful what advice you’re giving. hahaha

JS: ok….not high school. i dropped out of college and moved to Charlotte to go after music and maybe i’ll regret that when i’m in my 30′s, but right now…..

ZR: i mean look where we are! we’re livin’ it up!

JS: yeah i’ve had a hell of a ride throughout my 20′s because of leaving, so…..to me the song is about growing up in a small town – it can be awesome or it can feel suffocating – but no one locked the door but yourself – if you’re feeling trapped.

JM: i feel that. i always think too that people in those situations – if they have 5,000 excuses they probably don’t really want to leave.

JS: right, or a lot of times they’re probably gonna do the same thing they do in a small town, in a big city. i had this friend that all he did was smoke weed and play playstation. and i ran into him in Columbia last year and i was like “dude! haven’t seen you in forever! what’cha been up to?” and he’s like “ah man….just smokin weed and playin’ XBox”. that’s somethin’. but when he was in a smaller town he was like “Aw man….i gotta get outta this town.” and now that he is, it’s like “what are you even doing?”

ZR: but you know what? if that’s what he wants to do….and he’s comfortable in a new place……at least he got out.

JS: absolutely. absolutely. yeah i’m just all about making the most with where you’re at and what you got, you know?

JM: mmmmhhmmmm

ZR: i mean….smokin weed and playin xbox – if that’s all you gotta do in life…..there are worse things.

JS: there are worse things. hahaha

JM: yeah but you might not get so far….

JS: yeah, it’s true.

JM: ok……next question. what bands do you compare your sound to? what are your biggest influences?

JS: i feel like we all – while it’s in the same ballpark – i feel like we all have pretty different favorite bands. like we all like the same stuff but everything Jody and i write musically is gonna be very pop punk, traditional pop punk: Ramones, Bottlerocket kinda stuff, and then we also like melodic hardcore punk, like Hot Water Music, old Alkeline Trio and stuff like that…..

ZR: that’s more of the kind of stuff that influences me….

JS: so it’s really cool. i think if we could sound like anything, it’d be like a good middle of the road of that. like a gritty, poppy skate-punk music. but you know we’ve been writing a lot, and it’s cool having everybody’s ideas on the table. but typically if Jody and i write a song we stop and say …..wait…..that’s a Bottlerocket song….crap….

JM: hahaha

JS: whenever we come in with an idea we all just flesh it out and go into a practice to figure it out. it’s the most fun i’ve had writing songs – for sure. you know we’re not afraid to say “that sucks” or “that works…..let’s add this to it…..” or…..

ZR: we’re all best buddies, so that helps.

JM: awww

ZR: we hang out all the time anyway, so it’s not…..i mean, we’re already hanging out so we may as well be writing songs… hahaha

JS: most of the time band practice turns into us getting gear out of cars then sitting around, starting a bonfire and then realizing oh…..i guess we need to go home now. but as far as influence goes i think we’re influenced by those bands i said, and i think you need to sound like someone, but if you sound like a bunch of random bands put together, you won’t sound exactly like anyone else – you know?

JM: yeah….

JS: if your two main influences are Gwar and David Bowie – you’re not gonna sound like anybody else…you know?

JM: HA! yeah. but isn’t that with every art form?

JS: that’s true, it’s the whole fake it till you make it. or people have been talking about it a lot more these days, about “steal like an artist till you can figure out your own thing”….? steal from an artist you want to be like until you can figure out your own thing. and you know…..the Ramones started out because they were trying to sound like the Beach Boys, but they couldn’t play their instruments right and they just did it really fast and then that started everything for them. so, there’s nothing wrong with that….

JM: i love that. well, tell me about all your band members. who’s in Bad Talk? who are you guys?

JS: Jody King plays guitar – he’s one of the coolest dudes in the universe. JJ Leonard who was the guitar player in Sent By Ravens, plays drums and he is a beast and super fun to play with. I am Jeremy and i play bass. and sing a little bit – whenever Zach will let me….hahaha

ZR: and i’m Zach and i play guitar and sing….

JM: look at you…..first time for everything.

ZR: yep. hahaha

JM: glad we got that on the record. how do you two take your coffee and waffles?

ZR & JS: oh…

JS: well i take my waffles….here’s a fun little recipe from the kitchen of Bad Talk. cook up some bacon and put it in the batter….

JM: come. on.

JS: then you have a waffle, injected with bacon and it’s just the greatest thing you’ll ever eat.

ZR: then cover said waffle with cookie butter…

JM: uhoh

ZR: then it melts in the little traps. uh….

JS: if you don’t know what cookie butter is, then google it, and you’ll thank us forever. but yeah, a good chocolate chip, bacon waffle – or a little cookie butter on it, you know – that’s startin’ your day off right.

JM: and your coffees?

ZR: i take my coffee cream no sugar.

JS: i’ve been goin’ black these days. just because we can never keep half and half in our house. well…..i never remember to buy it, so i just started drinking it black out of desperation and now i kinda like it.

ZR: i like half and half in really, really strong coffee. that’s it. i don’t like sugar in my coffee though.

JS: is this amateur hour?

ZR: i had a friend tell me that half and half pollutes your coffee…..the other day….

JM: wow…..

ZR: he’s a little coffee snob.

JM: strong words.

JS: you gotta deal with that sometimes in our line of work.

JM: apparently. well speaking of your line of work…..everybody knows that music does not make enough money to survive, what else do you do? what does your non-punk-rocking life look like? what do you do? garden?

ZR: no.

JS: i think Jody does.

ZR: he’s got an old swimming pool that he filled in and he grows tomatoes in it.

JS: i help run a coffee shop…..my wife’s coffee shop, and i play bass with who will have me. i got a lot of rad people that hit me up on a regular basis. and JJ works for a uniform rental service. so he’s out there working a big boy job for the first time in his life. and….

ZR: i tour manage a few bands and we’re both trophy husbands.

JS: yeah we’re mostly trophy husbands – me and this guy -

ZR: instead of saying house husbands, we say trophy husbands, cause that’s basically what we are.

JS: i mean….we’re both really good looking and we haven’t been formally employed in 5-6 years

JM: (i am laughing so hard i can’t speak)

JS: Jody runs a bar called Apple Annie’s, it’s really cool. so thankfully he can find time to squeeze this little band into his life. Me & Zach watch a lot of Netflix.

ZR: we drink beer and get together and write songs. that’s about all we do.

JS: about everyday we watch TV, write songs….you know…

ZR: but wait we clean our houses. we clean and we cook for our wives sometimes….

JS: right right….do laundry.

JM: woah! you do laundry?!?

JS: yeah….sometimes hahaha trophy husbands!

ZR: trophy husband’s a strong word, you gotta know what we do

JM: Trophy Husband is new territory for me. i am unaware of such a title.

JS: we’re pavin’ the way….

ZR: you see though…..when you don’t bring home much money, you gotta have some kind of work to do….

JS: we go to the gym a lot. try to keep ourselves in shape. can’t get too flabby or we’ll lose our title. better keep it tight.

JM: (still laughing) alright, alright. you play sports?

ZR: no….

JS: we watch baseball a lot.

ZR: i watch hockey.

JS: no i’m not very sporty. my parents bought me a bass when i was eleven….i think mostly so they didn’t have to enroll me in any extracurricular activities. i skateboarded and started a punk band growing up. i’ve always enjoyed sports but never been too proficient, you might say.

ZR: i play golf.

JM: oh…?

JS: durr

ZR: durr

JM: durr

ZR: well…..i enjoy it. you can say whatever you want.

JM: i won’t. so guys….how much time and money do you invest into Bad Talk?

ZR: most of it. we don’t have very much money, but we have lots of time and we put all of that into it.

JS: yeah, it’s the kind of thing where like me and him (Zach) are on a tour, and all the guys are working their butts off to pay the bills, but when we’re back i’d say 90% of our free time goes into Bad Talk. Money-wise we haven’t put a ton into yet, because we’ve been scheming about making the record….

ZR: we bought shirts.

JS: yeah, we did buy shirts. so financially it hasn’t been a huge investment yet. we’re trying the get the bank roll going: playin some shows. but a lot of time though for sure.

JM: how often do you practice?

JS: lately twice a week for the past few months. and at the least once a week. and if Zach’s gone, than Jody and i will get together and write some stuff. or try to have once a week where we all work on music.

JM: i know you said you’re working on a full length, but do you have other goals near or far?

JS: doing a band like this has been a dream of mine since i was kid. i think what happens with punk rock a lot is that once people get good at their instruments they don’t like to play it anymore, cause it’s simple, but when you have really good musicians doing it then that’s what the awesome bands are. because punk rock is so simple, but when it’s done right it’s one of the best music forms – to me. so for me, it’s been a personal goal of mine for a long time to find guys like this and put out a record that my guts are in. so the main goal right now is to put out a record; a vinyl.

ZR: are you gonna come to the show tomorrow?

JM: duh….

JS: & ZR: hahaha

JM: alright guys, last question: what advice do you have to give to your fans about music, life, love, anything?

ZR: do what makes you happy, and be smart about it.

JS: i would say, for the people that are coming that like one of our other bands…..keep an open mind and don’t take it too seriously. because….if you don’t like what we’re doing, that’s totally fine, but you don’t have to write me a really long email about how you don’t like some of our lyrics or something we said on twitter.

ZR: because we don’t really care. and we’ll talk junk right back.

JS: don’t take it too seriously. this band’s not a career move, it’s something we’re doing because we just really want to. so if you don’t like it – that’s fine. but you don’t have to write us really long emails.

JM: exactly. and you already said that your biggest priority is just to make music that you enjoy anyways….so if other people like it – or get it – then sure that’s an added bonus! if not….

JS: yeah….if not, then you do NOT have to follow us on facebook.

JM: you know guys, but i would say too – to the nay sayers and even to those who were huge fans of Sent By Ravens – give it shot. just give it a shot. because you never know. sometimes different is better.

JS & ZR: yeah!

JM: well, thanks for your time guys.

ZR: you’re welcome for our time.

JS: absolutely. thank YOU!

listen to Bad Talk’s demos here

come out to the show tomorrow night: Friday February 22. Snug Harbor in Charlotte. Doors at 9:00. see you there.

xo/jm

grace begets grace

somestuffaboutstuff — Thu, 14 Feb 2013 17:57:29 +0000

it’s easy to fall into a depressing slump of comparison on a day like today. the sometimes celebrated but often dreaded Valentine’s Day. woohoo. comparison is the thief of joy – i have heard. and as i sit here getting my caffeine fix for the next 2 hours, i am choosing to be reminded of all the good i have in my life; instead of choosing to painfully compare my circumstances with the lives of others. and per usual i have some thoughts.

here’s how i think the world can change into a glowing orb of love. ok…..well maybe not the whole world – that’s pretty ambitious. gosh! i’m a big dreamer – don’t shoot me down. i’ll back up. let’s just start with me, and YOU – since we’re both here; and here and now is all we have. right?

i’m not afraid to admit that i’ve seen Les Miserables (Victor Hugo) in the theater twice now. and yes….i cried like a big freaking baby. not just because i’m a sappy girl with a myriad of uncontrollable emotions (although that probably played into it a little), but because the story is a story of grace. upon grace. upon grace. upon grace.

if the world……or just you and i made a choice to extend grace every opportunity we were given to extend it, i think the colors of the universe would change. in Les Mis a convict was shown a measure of grace: given a warm meal and a place to sleep when no one else would even look him in the eyes. and in the night he steals this man’s silver (the Bishop Bienvenu) and flees into the darkness. he is caught, brought back to the Bishop and has the nerve to say that the Bishop gave him the silver. here is where the world changes (or would have changed if this story wasn’t just fiction): the Bishop looks at Jean ValJean (the convict) and says:

“Ah! here you are! I am glad to see you. Well, but how is this? I gave you the candlesticks too, which are of silver like the rest, and for which you can certainly get two hundred francs. Why did you not carry them away with your forks and spoons?”

Jean Valjean opened his eyes wide, and stared at the venerable Bishop with an expression which no human tongue can render any account of.

…..skip ahead….

“My friend,” resumed the Bishop, “before you go, here are your candlesticks. Take them.”

He stepped to the chimney-piece, took the two silver candlesticks, and brought them to Jean Valjean. The two women looked on without uttering a word, without a gesture, without a look which could disconcert the Bishop.

Jean Valjean was trembling in every limb. He took the two candlesticks mechanically, and with a bewildered air.

“Now,” said the Bishop, “go in peace. By the way, when you return, my friend, it is not necessary to pass through the garden. You can always enter and depart through the street door. It is never fastened with anything but a latch, either by day or by night.”

Jean Valjean was like a man on the point of fainting.

The Bishop drew near to him, and said in a low voice:–

“Do not forget, never forget, that you have promised to use this money in becoming an honest man.”

Jean Valjean, who had no recollection of ever having promised anything, remained speechless. The Bishop had emphasized the words when he uttered them. He resumed with solemnity:–

“Jean Valjean, my brother, you no longer belong to evil, but to good. It is your soul that I buy from you; I withdraw it from black thoughts and the spirit of perdition, and I give it to God.”

This epic act of grace and forgiveness the Bishop bestows upon Valjean changes not only his life forever, but the lives of so many other people in the story. For this one mighty act of grace convicts the convict himself to change his life, and dish out the same measure of grace every time it is presented to him. it is like a curse and a blessing all in one which he cannot escape his entire life. even to the very man who hunts him night and day to enslave him again – he extends grace and does not kill him when given the chance. he lets him go.

this is why i sobbed during the film. because i long to witness a grace of this aptitude on earth now….while i am alive. grace like a tree of dominoes in a room the size of Mt. Everest. that every time grace is given, it is reciprocated with more grace to another, then more grace to another; over and over and over. branching out and expanding to the furthest reaches of the world. i want to be able to extend grace like this. it sets my heart on fire.

that each of us – completely 100% undeserving – when shown a measure of grace that we have not earned what-so-ever would purpose to reciprocate the same measure (if not an even greater measure) the next time an opportunity is presented to us. i am certain the world would change. it would change me. it would change you. think about it.

so on this Valentine’s Day, where the word Love could be both a hope or a hell; i hear it being whispered softly, but with a fierce tone in the form of a different word: “grace”. for we all have been given a measure of grace we have not earned. and so we should extend grace all the more. and isn’t grace the most monumental example of love there is? i say yes.

i also think grace takes responsibility where we have wronged others. because we have to ask for grace and in asking for grace we are humbling ourselves. may we give grace and may we ask for grace. let us be big grace rivers, not reservoirs. let grace beget grace.

Happy Valentine’s Day, friends and lovers!

xo/jm

surprises and miracles

somestuffaboutstuff — Sun, 10 Feb 2013 22:08:01 +0000

although i am not yet old, i realize at my age that there are dreams i once had that may never be fulfilled. the thought is daunting and sobering. don’t get me wrong….i’m not one of those women who’s embarrassed to tell her age and dreadfully fears each approaching birthday. i honestly feel like i have earned 32. like it’s a blessing. well….because it is. i’m not afraid of aging, but the other night the thought of a dream retired just slapped me in the face like unknowingly walking into a sliding glass door. -WHAP-

i haven’t invited you to a pity party – don’t worry – i’m just sorting through the reality of being 32 with 2 small children (i do this often and learn new things). people who do not have children are no less wise and no more cool than i am (regardless of what you may think). it’s just a different season in life with different responsibilities and demands that dictate one’s choices. last week i read this article: 10 Things Never to say to Other People, and it got me thinking about everyone’s unique walks of life and how easily you can sound pretentious or insensitive or straight up schmarmy. yeah, some people “planned” to make babies, do the sex and start a family. and some people didn’t explicitly “plan” the family thing but did the sex, and got awesome surprises of babies growing in their guts and were thus throttled into parenthood via circumstance. (raising my hand) thing is…..whether by choice or circumstance when one enters parenthood there are some major life changes that occur and with them comes much self-sacrifice. i personally think this initiation into parenthood doesn’t make someone more or less of a hero than say a single or childless person. but i do think it provides opportunities and life experiences that if you took the role seriously would change many things about the way you live your life. which leads me to the retirement of dreams unfulfilled.

because i choose to embrace my role as a mother (yes it is a choice – people abandon children every day), i have had to re-prioritize my dreams and aspirations to fit into my life as a mom. this isn’t a bad thing or a cop out. i look at it more as an exciting challenge. becoming a parent doesn’t mean your personal life is over. i think it’s actually the contrary.

i was processing the retirement of some of the dreams of my youth and came to a couple conclusions. it is not a stretch to say that at my age i will most likely not be the lead singer of a band and tour for months on end. when i was 19 i imagined this dream would’ve come true by the time i was 32. but we imagine lots of things when we’re 19: our wedding day. becoming famous. the day we give birth to our first child. being successful and respected for it…..etc…. i’m not saying i’ll never be in a band again or go on a tour again, but with 2 kids it just won’t look like the original dream i had at 19. follow? and for most of us, our wedding day & honeymoon didn’t match up to the dream we envisioned at some point……am i right?

when i had my 2 children the circumstances which followed their births were anything but normal. see here and here for the long stories. short story: with my son’s birth i was left paralyzed from the waist down for over 6 months, completely unable to walk, run, or bend down unassisted. and when my daughter was born she had 3 major heart defects and underwent open heart surgery at 4 days old and then again at 4 months old. needless to say the dream most women have when they become a mother was not a dream i lived. 4 years later i still suffer from serious PTSD and may forever grieve the loss of all i did not get to participate in with my newborn babies because i was either crippled myself, or my baby was hooked to 25 machines in a sterile hospital room. i never got those quintessential mother-newborn photos taken where we lay together on a bed and the light streams in unfiltered and the baby’s eyes are full of new life and new hope. that is a dream unfulfilled i will never get back again.

a few months ago in counseling i was advised to start grieving some of these lost dreams and lost expectations. like the first 6 months of both of my children’s lives: my initiation into motherhood. grieving is a cleansing process. when i start to cry unintentionally in front of people i try and explain that crying is a bit like sweating for me – i can’t really control it (although i’d really, really like to). my hope is that through grieving the loss of these dreams unfulfilled, i will come out on the other side and be stronger or wiser or something. it is what it is, i can’t get it back, time to move forward. i can count my blessings today, yadda yadda yadda…..but then i have all these other dreams in my heart which too may not come to fruition and so that’s what life is all about? this eternal cycle of trying to cope with the loss of more and more dreams unfulfilled? F that!

((pull back the curtain))

the only things that can keep us from completely burying our unfulfilled dreams are the exceptions in this world: surprises and miracles.

i want to be surprised. i want a miracle. i want to see the exception to the norm. the world is the world. it’s actually pretty predictable. shit happens, you try to deal with it, then you move on. but no! i want to be surprised. i want a miracle. i want to see something that looks like a tragedy turn into a blessing. a surprise.

we all love surprises. because it’s something we weren’t expecting. Jesus is the exception. He is the ultimate surprise; the miracle. only He can resurrect the loss of dreams unfulfilled, breathe life back into them and help us walk them out. sure they will look way different than what we thought they should or could look like. we all imagine everything to look different when we’re 19. but i think if we choose to see things differently – with an open mind – a trusting stance – a hopeful anticipation – it’ll appear different. not because we’re crazy or delusional, (and i can only speak for myself), but the Lord has never let me down yet. and at least i can count on that. so instead of thinking my dreams are dead. only i can choose to see them differently.

i already know his plans for me are to prosper me and grow me and not to harm me, and to gimmie wings of eagles and all that (Jeremiah 29:11 & Isaiah 40:31). so i can assume that no matter what life throws in my lap, the Lord is gonna help me use it for prospering, growing, not harming me and to help me soar. it’s my choice to view every curve ball with this perspective. my choice.

100% of dealing with what life throws at us is dictated by how we respond to it; how we receive it. no one else is responsible for our interpretation of circumstances except us. every single day of your life there will be dozens of curveballs thrown at you; things that are out of your control that do not line up with your plans to achieve your dreams in your way. how do you view them? are they all road blocks? obstacles? hindrances? inconveniences? problems? or are they surprises? wrapped gifts that over time will blossom like a flower and brighten and fragrance our lives more than we could have ever imagined……IF….only IF we receive them; perceive them as such!

are your dreams dead because you had kids? are your dreams dead because your marriage didn’t turn out the way you thought it would or should? are your dreams dead because you’re not yet married? you can’t have kids? you aren’t the executive so-and-so at corporate so-and-so? are your dreams dead because you’re not famous yet? are your dreams dead because your parents are disappointed in you? are your dreams dead because at this point in your life absolutely nothing has gone according to your plan? good news then friend! you’re halfway there! i’m in the middle of this process too, so be patient with me. but here’s what’s helping.

grieve – grieve the loss of what you thought you were gonna have. let it die. if life didn’t go according to your plans, then you’re normal and not alone. but in order to not grow cold or bitter or jaded – grieve. cry. really cry. tell the Lord you’re sad. blame the world for being effed up. yell. scream. cuss. dance it out. whatever you need to do.
let it go – for me, i have PTSD and sob like i’m mentally ill every time i hold a baby under the age of 6 months. i may have this problem forever. but after grieving the loss of my baby’s first 6 months of life, i have let go. i found i was angry at God and saw myself turning into a bitter, bitchy woman who scowled every time i read about perfect birth stories. i am letting it go. still. might take me a lifetime….but you gotta start somewhere.
dream again – allow your heart to dream again. rediscover what makes you come alive and what you’re truly passionate about and don’t be afraid to dream again. life isn’t over, people. loss is loss, yes…..but so much new life can be born every single day. maybe start small.
look for surprises and miracles – i am drawn to people who are the exception. people who aren’t afraid to risk it all for love. people who deeply apologize and show humility. people who aren’t the norm. people who give and serve and bless others – just to do it. people who take responsibility for things and do something about it. these people surprise me. each feat they conquer in a manner unlike the world’s pattern is a miracle to me. these people are magnets. we’re drawn to them because they make choices to see the world differently and love people in spite of how cruel and awful people can be. let these surprises and miracles be an inspiration to you. i can guarantee 100% that these people haven’t had life handed to them with a perfectly tied ribbon on top. they are the ones who screwed up and were shown grace and now choose to show grace to everyone they encounter because they’re fully aware of how life changing it can be. they’re the ones with limitations they’ve chosen to overcome. they’re the ones who have had shattered dreams and broken hearts but gotten back up and deliberated to press on; not begrudgingly, but with a smile and a shout! i’ll bet they’re the ones who now ask for inconveniences because they know the real reward which comes when you embrace that inconvenience and the inconvenience becomes the blessing!

yeah…..i’m 32 and i have 2 kids. but i have all my wits, my freedoms, all my appendages and organs in working shape, all my hair, two eyes, a nose, a mouth and an open calendar for the year 2013. come what may my dreams are not dead. they might need to be re-tweaked a bit and have two car seat’s strapped into them now, but that’s no inconvenience – it’s just an added blessing. in searching for those exceptions: the surprises and miracles, i will aim to be one myself.

the only things that can keep us from completely burying our unfulfilled dreams are the exceptions in this world: surprises and miracles. look for them.

xo/jm

my top 10 in 2012

somestuffaboutstuff — Fri, 01 Feb 2013 16:33:09 +0000

dangit! i meant to release this in January, but whatever. my life is busy. you don’t even know. anyways…..i love LOVE music. especially new music. i used to spend an entire paycheck at the record store (in high school and college). now i am thankful for spotify and itunes and all the other interweb ways to listen to music before i buy it. don’t worry…..i’m still a buyer. now i’m just more selective. so without further ado, for anyone who loves music as much as i do, here are my top 10 records released in 2012:

10. Halcyon – Ellie Goulding

you may be familiar with her radio hit ‘Lights’, but don’t be fooled. Ellie is not a one hit wonder. this entire record is beautiful, haunting and masterfully produced. i wish i had her hair and her voice. My favorite tracks are ‘Only You’, ‘Explosions’, ‘I Know You Care’ and ‘Anything Could Happen’ has been the echo of a hope in my heart for brighter days. let it get stuck in your head. it’s a keeper.

9. Departure Songs – Hammock

every morning i like to create what i call atmosphere. i light some candles, keep the lights dim, then turn on this Hammock record as i drink my coffee and cuddle my kids. i have been a Hammock fan for awhile, but this album is by far their best work. if you enjoy dynamic instrumental mood music like Explosions in the Sky, All The Bright Lights, and Tortoise – try a Hammock. this album will cradle and sway your soul back and forth till you feel the peace that passes all understanding.

8. Gone – Vacationer

i’m a beach girl, and to me….this is the ultimate beach record. my brother Nick introduced me to this band while on a beach trip and i was instantly smitten. melodic, rhythmic, and totally sexy, this record makes me want to fall in love with no shoes on and eat ice cream on a summer night. if i ever get into surfing again, this would be the soundtrack in my brain to a perfect surfing day. Gone is delicious and definitely makes me want a vacation.

7. In My Mind I Am Free – Blue Foundation

i’m not afraid to admit that i first fell in love with this band when i heard their track ‘Eyes on Fire’ on the Twilight soundtrack. it’s an incredible track and i’m glad to have followed up with Blue Foundation because this album is absolutely gorgeous. the production and instrumentation are sublime. this is a nostalgic road trip, drink slurpees and stick your head out the window record. i just love it.

6. Shrines – Purity Ring

my friend, neighbor, hairdresser Charis introduced me to Purity Ring last year and i instantly was impressed and hooked. i’m a sucker for guy-girl bands (because it’s what i’ve always wanted to do), and this band is just so good. so good, guys. dance. chill. be inspired. turn it up.

5. Heartthrob – Tegan and Sara

heard these gals on NPR in 1999 and was blown away. kind of forgot about them over the years until i heard their single ‘Closer’ on this record and i’m totally in love again. hot pop rock that gets stuck in your head like bubblegum. think Cyndi Lauper and Dolores O’Riordan perfectly blended punchy pop and grungy rock and roll. Heartthrob rebirths in me my brighter teenage memories: happy and dance-y and strangely feminine.

4. Something – Chairlift

again…..i’m a sucker for guy-girl bands. this one is just brilliant. they reeled me in with ‘I Belong in Your Arms’. ”…all of me…honestly….is dedicated to hold ya….” come. on. and ‘Cool as a Fire’ – holy gosh. yes please. such brilliant music.

3. Happy to You – Miike Snow

it’s true….i like to dance. i like melodic music. i like indie-electro pop. so sue me. or if you like it too gobble up this Miike Snow record cause it’s yummy. his falsetto is perfect. his production is smart. the songs are all well-crafted and get under my skin (in a good way).

2. Should This Noose Unloosen – Civilian

i interviewed Civilian last spring and haven’t stopped listening to this brilliant record, nor have i ceased to be amazed with its depth, color and message. see my interview here and if you haven’t given this album a listen yet…..do it now. they’re going on tour with Further Seems Forever. so….yeah.

1. The Peace of Wild Things – Paper Route

every song. every lyric. every note. straight to my core. this was my number one album of the year. thanks paper route for reading my mail and making an album about it.

what were your top 10 in 2012? tell me.

xo/jm

control

somestuffaboutstuff — Wed, 30 Jan 2013 16:07:54 +0000

i am a control freak. actually i think most of us are if we’re willing to admit it. i’ve realized for myself the things i try to control aren’t necessarily big things, they’re just surfacy things to help me cope with the bigger issues i know i can’t control. i like to feel independent. i enjoy a sense of pride that wells up in me when i do something productive. i say “i did this”. pat myself on the back “good job, jessie.” i’ve never been officially diagnosed, but i’m probably a little OCD – which would magnify some of my controlling issues. right? anyway, it’s not ever big things i attempt to control, i’ve been around long enough to know that i can’t control big things – duh. for instance:

other people
my children
the weather
God
the past
my country
my superiors
my cat

so for the sake of this blog being a bit trite (which it will be), i’ll share some things i enjoy controlling, or manipulating – if you will. {sidebar: i aim to not pigeon hole myself on my blog, because…..well…..i’m not a pigeon. i am not a mommy blogger, fashion blogger, food blogger, music critic, christian blogger, or whatever kind of blogger you might think i appear to be. i’m just me. a dabbler in all sorts of things; a professional amateur just looking to grasp what the winds of life toss my way, then sort it out with a dance, some tears, a laugh and sometimes a piece of writing. i really just like writing, and i think writing likes me.}

jessie’s control-freakanomics

Mary-effing-Poppins (or MFP)

to MFP a room is for the room to be completely and utterly destroyed, and one (me in this case) approaches said disaster and in a miraculous amount of time and with such little effort that gawkers would gasp. this person (me) magically makes the room so clean that the room physically sighs with relief and beams from wall to wall. all dishes clean. all laundry folded. all toys put away in their organized, color-coded bins. floors sparkling. windows shining. rug vacuumed. pillows puffed. counters sanitized – in 30 minutes or less. that room just got Mary effing Poppins’d! BOOM!

i actually love cleaning when i feel the need to control something. when i’m sad, angry or frustrated and need to see an instant product of my labor – i clean. it’s actually a really great way to burn some negative energy – both emotional and physical. i’m thankful my bend is not to sit and eat chocolate or drink a whole bottle of wine. i attribute this to my dad. he can MFP a room like nobody’s business.

since i can’t control other people, or even my cacophony of dumb female emotions at times: i clean. i can control how my house looks and get a sense of freshness and newness. it doesn’t necessarily solve my problems on a deeper level, but usually it fulfills the initial desire to control or fix what is plaguing me. and my house gets clean – which is never bad.

2. Fashion

one of my earliest acts of rebellion or trying to assert my independence was fashion related. actually most of my rebellion as a kid/teenager was due to an ongoing clash with my mother regarding clothes. as an adult, my need to control the bigger things which are not within my power to control (see paragraph 1) can be redirected by making myself feel strong, confident, bright, different and beautiful through what i wear.

my sense of style has never been “normal”. mom bought me white socks with a lace ankle tutu when i was 6 and i hid in my shag-carpetted closet and cut the lace off before Sunday School. of course she noticed and i got in big trouble. the lace ankle tutu cutting episode was one of my first acts of rebellion as a child. my unique fashion sense started very young. my desire to be stylishly independent was just beginning.

in the 6th grade my favorite bands were Weezer and The Cranberries. like most youngsters i was introduced to both bands by a boy i had a crush on. The Cranberries have a lyric about wearing Doc Martens in the sun, so naturally i saved up all my money and bought a pair of Doc Martens. paired with awkward cut off jean shorts, crazy patterned tights and awful 1990′s tops i must have been ahead of my time (since this is terribly popular now). needless to say Mom and i argued incessantly about what i thought was fashion and what she thought was trashy, frumpy and inappropriate.

today fashion is a silly joy for me. i’m a thrifter, so i have a lot of clothes (all purchased cheaply – of course), and i’m always rotating them out. selling the ones i don’t wear anymore and getting new pieces (The Buffalo Exchange has made this possible). it sounds so ditsy, but i love putting outfits together. it’s an easy creative outlet to incorporate how i’m feeling through what i’m wearing. i can’t control the weather or my capricious heart, but i can control the look i want to embody on a given day. i like the power of choosing to be someone different every day. i like mixing genres, colors, themes, textures and patterns. femininity hasn’t always been my strong suite, so my friends have been helping me incorporate ‘glam’ into my wardrobe lately, and i’m kind of loving it.

it’s amazing to me how much confidence, attitude, peace, and joy i gain just by controlling my own style. i am thankful for fashion. i’m glad it’s my own. i am glad to be a girly-girl one day and total grunge another. to be a professionally dressed teacher and an amateur hip hop dancer – all in the same day. it’s fun. i suppose it all goes hand-in-hand with not wanting to be pigeon-holed, labeled or defined. it’s probably why i studied theater in college – to see what it’d be like to be other people. i also like being a mystery. you can’t put me in a box or category if you’re unsure of where i’d fit. (schnarky smile)

3. Dance

i am not human, i am dancer. dance is another form of communication for me. my favorite reality television show is So You Think You Can Dance. movement speaks to my soul. when i dance it unlocks my brain, my emotions, my spirit. dance is probably the best way for me channel frustration, fear, anxiety, anger and even sadness. i’m not a good dancer or anything, i just have this unrelenting need to kick out my limbs in every direction, shake everything vigorously and make myself dizzy to recenter and balance unmanageable emotions. i typically have 3 to 5 personal dance parties a week. sometimes with my kids, but usually just by myself. i cry, laugh and sweat. the catharsis is irreplaceable.

i took modern dance in college and have taken a few hip hop and break dancing classes here and there. i love that dance is an outlet to express what words cannot. i love that i can control my body to align with music; with a cadence. i wish i was better than i am, but i’m thankful to be able to shake and thrash and rock and spin. it keeps me young, i think. it helps me release an expression in a bigger way than words.

this scene from the movie Billy Elliot illustrates what i’m having trouble communicating:

as well as this from the original Footloose:

this episode of So You Think You Can Dance aired when Sparrow was in the hospital post surgery. I cried so hard watching it that night and still cry every time i see it. so so powerful.

to control what i cannot control i clean the crap out of my house, manipulate my quirky, shifting style and hash out my feelings through movement. how do you cope? tell me!

my fashion reel:

me & my brother Nick circa 1995

this is actually 2008 & 2009 pregnancies

xo/jm

what’re you gonna do about it?

somestuffaboutstuff — Wed, 23 Jan 2013 23:54:55 +0000

sometimes i feel schizophrenic like there’s more than one me inside myself. this is probably true but often i pretend like i’m not crazy and say that one of these voices has got to be God or Jesus or Mother Mary because i so frequently ask for their guidance. lately i have definitely been hearing things. which can be good; depending on what it is i’m hearing. the past couple of weeks i’ve been waking up with a voice inside my head that inadvertently asks:

“what’re you gonna do about it?”

who me?

“yeah…what’re you gonna do about it?”

’bout what?

-silence-

hello…?

“what’re you gonna do about it?”

….uh…..

that’s about the extent of my conversation with myself the past few mornings, but then i am haunted by this inconclusive conversation, err…..question all day. and because i am a high flying verbal processor i have made a wobbly landing here to sort through this schizophrenic phenom. hi. thanks for joining me.

i’ve decided that this is quite a powerful question to have stalking me. think about it. if this is the giant cartoon thought bubble above my head regarding every situation i encounter every day it could be really beneficial, right?

last year around this time i was talking in depth with a counselor about communication and relationships. he explained that in a relationship when there is heavy offense, an apology or even changing/correcting the hurtful behavior isn’t exactly enough to make things better, or build trust again. he said it is absolutely VITAL to admit and acknowledge what damage you are responsible for, and then to answer the question “what’re you gonna do about it?”. once you answer that question you have to follow through with it. till the end. if a hurt from the past is still painful then it’s not in the past – it’s in the present. and we must keep “doing something about it” until the hurt no longer hurts. till the hurt is healed. “what’re you gonna do about it?” if you are responsible for the hurt, you need to be responsible in repairing it. till the end.

as a parent, i am trying to teach this principle to my son. breaking it down to this elementary level makes it a little easier for me to digest. for instance, when he knocks his sister down or hurts her and she cries he usually does one of the following: 1) deny it was him, 2) pretend his sister is not screaming at an unearthly decibel, or 3) hide because he knows he’s in trouble. once i can get one of them to explain to me what happened, then i dialogue with Noah asking him to apologize. he manages to squeege out a breathy “SORRY!” like i’m terribly, terribly inconveniencing his busy life. what i’m trying to further teach him is to go back and check on his sister. to ask her if she’s ok. to put an arm around her, help her up, distract her from her pain and insult and make right what he did wrong to her. until the hurt feels better. when Sparrow is hurt, screaming down the sun, i look at Noah and ask him….

“what’re you gonna do about it?”

whoever is whispering this into my subconscious deserves a fist bump or something because it’s actually super profound and applicable to my everyday. and maybe yours too. a few weeks ago i witnessed a saggy-panted thug harassing a young girl who was waiting for the light rail train. as i approached the scene it was obvious that the girl was trying to ignore the saggy-panted ass clown but he was relentless trying to talk to her; get something from her? the young girl’s face and body language were totally giving this guy the finger, but he pressed in and kept on bothering her. i had a gross taste in my mouth and for the life of me could not look away. i couldn’t stop staring. then the crazy schizophrenic in my brain spoke louder than my mouth; louder than my innate biological warning systems…..and grabbed me by the ears screaming:

“what’re you gonna do about it?”

heart racing i walked up to them, got very close to the young girl, stared straight into her eyes – a look only another woman would understand – and asked her if she was ok. she nudged her chin towards the punk who was still buzzing around her. then i stared him straight in the eyes – with the fire of justice and anger only a fighter would understand – while staring the shit out of this guy, i asked the girl “Is he bothering you?” the guy severely furrowed his brow at both of us, puffed up his sweatshirt and swaggered off…..with a limp in his pride – no doubt. i stayed close to the young girl until ‘ole saggy drawers ass clown was far enough gone and relief appeared on the girl’s face. she smiled at me and said “thank you”. i gave her a wink and then went to eat a side salad at Jason’s deli.

guys…..you see, you don’t have to be a 200lb MMA fighter to stand for justice. yeah….i might be a skinny little white girl, but i have the heart and guts of a 200lb fighter……i also carry a pocket knife (just in case).

i’ve been thinking about this a lot, but really what if this was our filter?! for anything? what if we took responsibility for things? stood up for what was right? bridged the gap? we always have opportunities to make good choices, just how often do we stop and do it? this is why lately i have loved hearing this question in my head. because it reminds me that i DO have a choice! i’m not bound by fear. i’m not a prisoner to society. to culture. to the “norm”. to religion, race, gender, or even the body frame i’ve been given!

part of the problem is that we’re not even paying attention to what’s around us. this world is on a fast track to completely losing each other while we’re desperately searching for each other. ipods, earbuds, smart phones, bluetooth! so much invisible connection equalling a massive real life disconnection! we are becoming anti-social socialites. forgetting to see the blood-pumping, organ-filled, oxygen-breathing, eye-blinking, beautiful, colorful beings we bump into everyday because we’re on a loop track with our hand-held technology. i wouldn’t be surprised if we all have carpal tunnel in our 50′s and 60′s because our hands permanently grip our smart phones 98% of our day. (i am guilty as well here. this is no kettle black situation. i am Barabbus).

the other day buying groceries at Trader Joe’s i looked the cashier directly in the eyes and asked her with a smile on my face “hey! how are you today?” i kid you not she literally jumped back, and grabbed her chest like i scared the living tosh out of her! we both laughed nervously, then she looked me over, concluded i wasn’t anyone to be afraid of, collected herself and admitted that i was the first person to actually speak directly to her all day. ”you literally scared me” she admitted. and we laughed again.

i want to pay attention. i want to be present. i want my presence to make a difference. i wanna be useful. i don’t just want to take up space and oxygen while i’m here. i have a greater purpose than that. so do you. well, what am i going to do about it?

someone’s kid grabs an apple at the bottom of the stack and 50 apples spill onto the grocery store floor. “what’re you gonna do about it?”

i’ve always wanted to __________________……“what’re you gonna do about it?”

even something as simple as “i realllllly need to eat healthier!” filter with “what’re you gonna do about it?” and then DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

you’re kinda into someone you kinda know…… “what’re you gonna do about it?”

you really miss someone; something in your life…… “what’re you gonna do about it?”

you seriously, SERIOUSLY screwed something up. “what’re you gonna do about it?”

a friend is insanely addicted to drugs or alcohol, but no one is brave enough to confront them even though they’re ruining their life. “what’re you gonna do about it?”

someone is verbally/physically/emotionally abusive to another but acts normal on the outside – to everyone else – so it’s assumed that they don’t need to be addressed. but they DO. “what’re you gonna do about it?”

you witness an injustice. you inflict pain on someone. you pass by the same homeless man, on the same corner, with the same sign every morning.

“what’re you gonna do about it?”

maybe you’re sitting there shaking your head, thinking “sorry jessie…..not my problem”. oh really? then who’s problem is it? because if everyone is thinking the same thing you’re thinking and no one wants to stand up and take courage and take some responsibility for broken people, busted relationships, and things that need attending to, then who’s gonna do it? i pray, right now……that this question begins to haunt you, like it’s been haunting me. -oh snap! wish you hadn’t read this far now, eh?-

i have a good friend who has crazy, dangerous situations as the magnetic north on his compass. he’s drawn to wild scenarios most people pretend not to see and he approaches 99% of them with his shoulders back and his courage beaming. i admire his audacity. always stopping when he sees someone who’s having car trouble, or running to stop a bully or fight a crook. i’m not kidding. a few weeks ago he saw some teenage kids robbing someone’s house. he faced off with them, told them to take the stuff back, they said “no – fight us!” so he tied up his dog, and then beat the shit out of all of them. true story. he even tried to dissolve a domestic dispute in someone’s front yard one time. now, i don’t think everyone needs to function on his level, but when i need an extra ounce of courage i usually think of him. i told him to write a book.

i want to be present. i want to see opportunities when they are presented to me. a present is a gift. being present is a gift. opportunities are present-ed or gifted to us so we will receive them and DO SOMETHING ABOUT THEM. i love that movie Amelie’. it implies that everything happens with an opportunity for us to do something with it; about it. what you witness day in and day out is not on accident. i don’t think we’re here to be innocent bystanders. there are plenty of “extras” in daily life who don’t have or play any real role. they just stand around and fill up space. be the leading lady or leading dude in your life. in someone else’s life.

so whether it’s your own relationships that need you to take responsibility of them. or someone’s broken heart, a long-awaited dream, a goal, a friend who’s an addict, or a situation you randomly witness that needs someone’s attention, anyone’s attention let’s try and listen to the ghost inside of us (me) that nudges “what’re you gonna do about it?”

i want to do something about it. anyone with me?

xo/jm

workin’ on my pilot’s license! what what! i’m doin’ somefin’ ’bout it ya’ll!

rebellion

somestuffaboutstuff — Thu, 10 Jan 2013 19:16:40 +0000

hi everyone. thanks for coming. this post is all over the place – apologies ahead of time. also…..it is long. i have so many thoughts and only a fraction of them made the final cut. maybe i’ll combine it all for a chapter in my book. anyway….

last week i got sucked into this weird show on animal planet called Gator Boys. the episode i was watching showed one of the Gator Boys getting into a murky pond in a suburban southern Florida backyard to capture a rogue alligator – in the middle of the night. wearing only his swimming trunks and a necklace made of gator claws, Paul the Gator Boy slipped into the black, sinister pond carrying a long pole with a small rope noose at the end. he swam around for a long time then finally came upon the gator whose sneaky eyes were eerily blinking on the water’s surface. Paul ever-so-slowly slipped the rope over the gator’s snout and then all the way down to it’s neck. i sat in shock and amazement that the alligator didn’t move an inch this whole time; there wasn’t even a ripple in the water……until the noose was pulled tight around it’s neck. then total and complete anarchy. the 10 foot gator started thrashing, rolling, spinning, flailing. it went completely nuts! tail! claws! jaw! gross reptilian belly! tail! teeth! mud! i couldn’t believe the guy was able to keep hold of the other end of the pole. it was crazy! then, like most times when i hear the Lord….it hit me completely out of the blue…..

“that’s what you look like sometimes, jessie….the second you feel the noose tighten around your little neck, you go buck wild.”

so before i went buck wild with this outrageous accusation, i focused. i carefully replayed the images in my mind over the next few days. i asked a lot of questions, and after admitting to myself that yes, indeed i am at times similar to that alligator, i came upon some these thought processes:

the gator was being removed from the suburban neighborhood pond so he wouldn’t eat something he shouldn’t (a child, cat or dog). Paul (the Gator Boy) knew the small runoff pond wouldn’t have enough food for the gator and over time could dry up leaving him stranded. Paul went in, seized the gator and then transported him to a private wildlife refuge in the Everglades where there are miles and miles of swamp filled with an unending supply of food.

i am that gator. the Lord, (like Paul the Gator Boy) ever-so-gently puts a rope around my neck and then has to cinch it tight because he knows i’m gonna put up a fight. it’s all for my own good, but i don’t know any better. His plan: to remove me from the brackish pond – an environment where i most likely will eat something i shouldn’t or end up stranded – and take me to a wide open space where i can be fed and thrive. but i almost always fight. no one likes to be forced to do or not do something. we all want to have a choice. for me…..i have given myself to the Lord and negligently trust Him. i do trust him, it’s just hard.

1. rebellion is in all of us

whether you’re a christian and you agree with the fallen sinful nature bestowed upon all humanity by Adam and Eve, or you’ve just been around long enough to witness and participate in the fact that people are really screwed up and we all hurt each other – i think we’d all agree that everyone has a rebellious nature. i’m learning that what almost always fuels an act of rebellion is fear:

a fear of something being withheld or taken from you; not getting/losing something you think you deserve/need/have to have/deeply desire

-or-

a fear of being stuck with something you don’t necessarily like/want/or need, and having no choice in the matter; feeling trapped. caged.

basically, i think rebellion comes from a place in us all where we adamantly want to be independent. to make our own choices and decisions. take what we think we need or want and reject what we don’t want or need. but then we betray ourselves because we’re sappy, social, hungry humans – we deeply want someone to share these decisions with us. to understand why we made these decisions, and to love us. which is actually quite contrary to the whole singularly independent thing i just mentioned above. which is where it gets sticky.

2. rebellion is relative

rebellion is not absolute. i alluded to this at the beginning. for example, in my circle of friends it’s not rebellious at all to have tattoos or drink a beer. but when i am around my coworkers (teachers), i keep my ink covered and don’t mention my beliefs regarding ink or alcohol, because there’s no telling what they might surmise if they were aware of such things – and i want to keep my job. when it comes to rebellion, it really depends on who is interpreting. and people’s interpretations differ based on their personal beliefs and upbringings.

but wait…..what about the Bible, jessie? it’s absolute, right? – you ask. good question. the Bible is chock-full of do’s and do not’s that people live their lives by. it’s the spoken word of God, yes. but….most of these do’s and do not’s have been interpreted by someone at sometime and then taught to us. i’m not looking to pick a fight with anyone about the Bible or it’s absolute truths, rules and restrictions. i just want to be a little rebellious and challenge anyone who’s willing to question the interpretation you’ve been given. especially if the interpretation you’ve been given doesn’t light the path to love.

many interpretations of do’s and do not’s in the Bible (or anywhere for that matter) lead people into judgement, criticism, rejection, hatred - not love. and maybe i’m a Jesus hippie, or a rebel or whatever you want to call me, but i am convinced that living for the Lord should always look like, smell like and sound like love winning. if do’s and do not’s ultimately don’t lead me further into the depths of love, humility, grace and forgiveness – for myself, and for others – then i personally think those do’s and do not’s should be challenged and re-interpretted. the beauty of it all is that i have a real relationship with a living God. i do not need a priest or pastor to interpret every tiny little do and do not for me. my God moves and speaks and breathes daily with me; in and out of me. that’s why it’s called a ‘relationship’. so when i feel confused about a do or do not, i can usually assume that He’s going to deposit within me my own personal convictions about things. why? because He loves me, and He says that He will do this for us.

maybe this is really bonking your theology and you’re debating whether or not you should continue reading (i know….i’m long-winded….i knoooooow). but here’s something i’ve witnessed all too often. so so so many people in my age bracket have similar stories regarding the church/christianity. they were controlled, manipulated, rejected, criticized, judged, or scorned by a “christian” or by someone’s interpretation of a do or a do not and thus decided out of fear (see the two rebellion fears above) that church/christianity was NOT for them and so they split. now they do whatever they want with a rebellious chip on their shoulder and the thought tucked away in their hearts that church/christianity is just a long list of do’s and do not’s with an absurd amount of self-righteous ass holes who enforce them.

i started writing all of this yesterday, then i read this article this morning and got fired up to finish my piece. i completely 100% agree with what Mark Galli has stated and am beyond inspired to see such thoughts being published on a large scale. you should read the whole thing, but here’s a nugget….

…This is surprising because the New Testament message is about freedom from law, and being grounded in grace. “For freedom Christ has set us free,” proclaimed Paul in his most profound exposition of grace. The fact that even some Christians fail to grasp the radical nature of God’s unconditional love suggests just how deeply we humans are embedded in a world ruled by law, expectations, duty, control and obedience. We naturally imagine that Christianity is just a nicer form of this basic reality. The message of grace is so radical that it is simply hard to hear it for what it is.

no wonder why so much of my generation doesn’t want to be associated with church or christians because the truth is most christians do not live or perceive life through the lens of grace – which is what made christians who they are in the first place – forgiven! loved! saved! reborn! new! redeemed! in Galli’s article he also describes people (specifically parents) who choose religion because they need rules & guidelines to live by. but how easily those guidelines can turn into power and control then be abused (especially to children raised in such authoritative religious families). a child being taught that God doesn’t or will not love them if they don’t abide by His (their) rules is the exact opposite of the message Jesus came to deliver. so here’s my schtick….

3. rebellion is necessary in order for real change to take place

i am that alligator. as soon as i feel a noose tighten around my neck i start to roll. the fears that trigger my rebellion are many. to scratch the surface a little, i fear no one will ever truly understand me, love me or want to take care of me. i also fear being labeled inappropriately, being misunderstood, being rejected, not being valued, being trapped, and always having to fight for myself. look, i’m not afraid to fly a tiny prop airplane 2,500 feet over hard, dry land or shoot a shotgun, but i am terrified of being a caged bird. i’m aware that these fears are irrational and i am working towards stripping them of their grasp around my neck. i’m also realizing (again and again) that ALL of these things happened to Jesus (except he probably didn’t worry if God loved him or understood him, because he was/is God). BUT, Jesus was misunderstood, mislabeled, rejected, trapped, not appreciated and abandoned by ALL his dude friends and God, to the point of death! and even after he was raised from the dead they still were unsure of him. so….as much as i would like to fully grasp the whole joining Christ in his sufferings thing….it may take me a lifetime to get it. or be ok with it.

what i’m trying to say is this…..i want to be different. i always have. throughout history the ones who stood out to me have always been those who bucked the system: Joan of Arc, Gandhi, Mother Theresa, Martin Luther, Harriet Tubman, Jesus, Heidi Baker, Bob Goff, Rosa Parks, Martin Luther King Jr. i want to be different because i so deeply desire to see hope and redemption in the eyes of all who hunger and thirst for love and grace and acceptance. if that makes me rebellious, then i’ll take it. i’d rather love than be right. after someone spends time with me, my deepest desire is that they walk away knowing they are loved and valuable. the only people i have come across who do this well are those who live on the edge. the crazy ones. the unselfish ones. the ones who aren’t governed by their fears, by religion, by rules or restrictions or their pride. those who are driven by love. the ones who fight to see love trump all. to see love win.

it’s easy to get stuck in the brackish waters of our fears and to be governed by them. i know! but you see…..i also know i’m not the only one cramping up in the deep end with the irrational fears that try to drown me. i know you feel this way too. i know you feel trapped. you feel misunderstood. maybe you feel like you’re not really worth anyone’s time or that you’re too much trouble. here’s my new goal – to attempt a counter attack on these fears. to do my darndest to speak the opposite of them (my fears) into every hungry person i encounter. and guess what……everybody’s hungry.

so…..two things. first, the noose around my neck. i said above that it was the Lord. the Lord is not people. He’s not a christian. He’s not a church. He is loving and good and trustworthy. so when He snatches me from the murky ponds i get mixed up in, i need to learn to submit and trust Him. He will never let me down or abuse me or abandon me. I need to learn the difference between God’s guidance and the ways of the world. the Lord knows I’m going to flip out and thrash and gator roll because that’s the way He made me. He wants me to thrash the things in the world that need questioning; changing. my DNA has rebellion in it. He made me this way. it’s why i want to be different. because He wants me to be different. He wants to use me to make a change. to buck the system.

second, now that i’m being transitioned to a new location (hypothetically) it’s time to thrive – not just survive. God doesn’t want to trap you into rules, a Bible Study, theology or a church building. He wants to set you free into miles and miles of gorgeous open space; a refuge with an unending supply of everything He knows you will need. this looks different for every person. if church or christianity isn’t leading you to this, then YES question what it is you’re being taught! if church or christians aren’t lighthouses of love, then bless them in your heart, be on your way, and ask the Lord to show you a church/a christian who is! this is what it’s all about! don’t get stuck in your murky pond with your independent mindset and fears. choose forgiveness. choose love. and when the Lord comes to pull you out and take you somewhere better – it’s ok if you put up a fight. He already knows you will. He made you that way.

see you in the Everglades, friends.

xo/jm